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Cinematic Hell: 'Postal'
Welcome to Cinematic Hell, where I watch only the worst of movies and describe for you what's happening as it happens!
Today's entry: 'Postal', a film by Uwe Boll. 'Postal' is described as "South Park meets Team America: World Police" and "one of the most offensive comedies of all time". When a comedy goes out of its way to tell you it's offensive, you know it's gotta mean something.
Now, 'Postal' was supposed to make $1m+ (or so thought director Uwe Boll) but instead opened nationwide on something like 12 screens and didn't make back a fraction of it's money. 'Postal' is rumored to be so bad that... well, the movie's supposed to be infamously bad. But let's watch and see if that holds up.
I'll post the time code in the movie, and then what's happening. So let's peruse 'Postal'.
NOTE: This is a warning. This movie's really, really offensive. If you're easily offended, do not click the link below. Please. I'm just describing the movie in as plain of terms as possible, but still... it's pretty bad.
Click here to read the write-up!
00:00:01 - The Uwe Boll logo. Ominous music. Definitely a good start for bad crap.
00:00:10 - We're flying through the clouds with airplane chatter. Uwe Boll's name popped up.
00:00:25 - Two middle-eastern guys are flying the plane. Likelihood that this is a 9/11 joke: 75%.
00:00:30 - They both have thick accents and just said martyrdom. Likelihood that this is a 9/11 joke: 90%.
00:00:45 - The middle-eastern guys are arguing over the number of virgins they'll get in Heaven.
(I just tried to fast-forward the movie on Netflix, and it's disabled. I CANNOT FAST FORWARD THIS MOVIE.)
00:01:45 - The guys are talking to Osama bin Laden. He's apparently The Flash, since he just told them an enormous amount of information in two seconds. Either that, or the actors are terrible at one-sided phone conversations. Hmm...
00:02:10 - Apparently there's not 100 virgins for martyrs, there's only 20 due to too many martyrs.
00:02:55 - The terrorists are abandoning their mission and are instead going to take the plane to the Bahamas. Passengers are trying to break down the door.
00:03:00 - The passengers have broken down the door and are beating up the terrorists.
00:03:15 - They just crashed the plane into the World Trade Center on accident. I'm guaranteed a ticket in hell for having seen this.
00:03:30 - We've got movie title!
00:03:44 - Joke about Axl Rose!
00:03:54 - Joke about gay marriage!
00:04:00 - Joke about Tom Cruise! Keep the fresh jokes coming, Dr. Boll! Oh yeah, did I mention Uwe Boll was a doctor?
00:04:26 - We meet the main character. He's got a laughably overweight wife in a sexy outfit who has a southern accent and is calling him names. Classy.
00:04:44 - Main character just drank rotten milk, did a spit take. Clearly we've reached the pinnacle of comedy.
00:05:00 - Main character steps in dog poop.
00:05:21 - Main character's dog eats his own poop.
00:06:04 - Main character's wife is cheating on him.
00:06:05 - We've got a catch-phrase! "I hate this town!"
00:06:10 - Hey! J.K. Simmons is in this movie! What's he doing here, he's been in some respectable stuff recently!
00:06:31 - Holy crap, Erick Avari's in this movie too! Have we died and gone to character actor heaven?
00:06:47 - Guy in turban playing DDR.
00:07:00 - Terrorist hide-out in the back of a convenience store has a 'No infidels allowed' sign on the door.
00:07:40 - Erick Avari just shouted 'Woo hoo!' in the most memorable way I've ever heard. I'd go back and record it for you to hear, except that I CAN'T REWIND.
00:07:56 - Main character is at a job interview. Character actor Rick Hoffman is the interviewer. I'm now pretty sure that I'm in character actor heaven.
00:08:11 - There are five severed heads on poles in this company's conference room. "I see you noticed the heads. Motivational."
00:08:36 - Main character is flailing around in a broken chair. Obvious sight gags ahoy!
00:09:01 - The chair magically fixed itself.
00:09:12 - The chair's broken again.
00:09:25 - The chair's fixed again.
00:09:30 - At least the part where he gets asked stupid interview questions is accurate. I've been to at least one job interview like this.
00:11:15 - The main character is singing a fight song for the company. It's unpleasant more than anything else.
00:11:56 - Catch-phrase again!
00:12:05 - Hippy commune.
00:12:15 - The hippy commune is called the 'Denomination of Organic Monotheism'. DOOM. Cute.
00:12:32 - Holy crap, Dave Foley's in this movie as the leader of DOOM. And his character name is Dave. I check my pulse. I'm not dead, but I think maybe character actor heaven came to me instead. This can't be heaven, though... maybe character actor hell. But then why is Dave Foley there?
00:13:22 - "Pious people in the house say 'Ohhhh!'"
00:13:31 - Gratuitous nudity.
00:14:22 - DAVE FOLEY IS COMPLETELY NAKED. TOTALLY NAKED. AND WE SEE EVERYTHING. THIS IS CHARACTER ACTOR HELL.
00:14:39 - AND NOW HE'S POOPING, AND WE'RE WATCHING. WHYYYYYYYY?!
00:15:22 - 'Poop smells bad' joke!
00:16:47 - Main character accosted by guy from New Jersey in track suit.
00:17:31 - 'Asian woman is a bad driver' joke!
00:17:53 - Black guy cop complaining about foreigners not knowing English. Again, only the most cutting edge humor.
00:18:30 - Black guy cop just shot the Asian woman in the face with a shotgun for being a bad driver.
00:19:11 - Even more character actors. I'm going to stop calling out anything but the most notable ones.
00:19:28 - Joke about guy not knowing what he wants to order at Starbucks! Stick that one in a Ziplock bag!
00:20:41 - Dave Foley's character is the main character's uncle apparently.
00:20:52 - 'Donkey show' joke!
00:21:42 - To quote Dave Foley on 'Kids In The Hall', PREMISE BEACH! WE'VE GOT A FLIMSY MOVIE PREMISE!
00:22:00 - Apparently the main character couldn't go to college because he pooped on the flag as a result of Dave Foley's previous wacky scheme.
00:23:30 - There's a shooting at the welfare office. The shooter is humming 'O Tannenbaum'.
00:24:15 - Main character steals a waiting line ticket from a dead guy. He gets to the window and... the office closes! What a crazy random happenstance!
00:25:00 - Main character's wife is cheating on him with his gross redneck neighbor. We see way more than necessary.
00:26:24 - The main character's wife is still cheating on him, and is now coated in kitchen flour. Why? No idea.
00:27:03 - New Jersey guy is back and is now holding main character hostage.
00:27:40 - The main character just killed New Jersey guy with his own gun while Dave Foley ponders about frequent flier miles. Also, main character is now involved in Dave's new scheme!
00:28:15 - Osama bin Laden joke tape.
00:28:55 - The terrorist director of the tape is playing it broad. Osama's lactose intolerant and has an affluent white guy accent. He's also a diva on set.
00:29:59 - 9/11 was "child's play" compared to their evil plan for something called 'Krotchy Dolls', which are children's dolls shaped like the male anatomy. Also, Osama's assistant thinks Oprah's lost a lot of weight.
00:31:32 - Dave Foley and main character can't do math!
00:32:12 - The main premise is that they're going to steal these Krotchy Dolls and sell them on eBay. They're also the same dolls that the terrorists have done something to as per their evil plan.
00:32:30 - J.K. Simmons is back, and is gone again!
00:33:16 - Guy in turban playing air hockey.
00:33:26 - Suicide bomber saying goodbye to boxes of cereal as he walks down the cereal aisle.
00:33:57 - J.K. Simmons just got blown up by a suicide bomber. He's covered in horrible burn make-up and his charred face just slid down the window of a convenience store.
00:35:00 - Main character just used a disabled guy in a wheelchair as a ladder to climb a fence.
00:35:40 - Black cop is back and is now stealing from the disabled guy.
00:36:25 - Black cop apparently keeps the handicapped guy in his garage under a blanket.
00:37:00 - Apparently the caper is going to take place in somewhere called 'Little Germany'. Gee, Uwe Boll is from Germany. I wonder if... naw, he's not that hackneyed.
00:38:11 - The terrorists are going to attack Little Germany for the dolls as well. Osama takes a telephone call from George W. Bush.
00:38:50 - George W. Bush is playing with Legos and just destroyed Lego Twin Towers with a plastic toy plane while talking to bin Laden.
00:39:35 - Verne Troyer plays himself. Apparently he's the voice of the Krotchy charater.
00:40:00 - THE MAIN CAST IS WEARING HITLER MUSTACHES AND SWASTIKA ARM BANDS.
00:40:43 - The first joke I've actually laughed at -- Little Germany is just Little Holland with with sign painted over.
00:40:41 - Little Germany has gas chambers. Seriously.
00:41:00 - Uwe Boll is now in the movie as himself, a charismatic, handsome and rich film director who owns Little Germany and is in no way a hack. They just described him as having made several "hit movies". That's a stretch.
00:41:40 - Black cop is back and using the handicapped guy to solicit money in Little Germany.
00:42:10 - Uwe Boll says his movies are made with Nazi gold.
00:42:30 - Uwe Boll just said he's sexually aroused by children.
00:43:35 - Dave Foley, dressed in a Hitler mustache and swastika armband, just told an army of women dressed just like him to seduce security guards. And the guards are turned on by this.
00:44:50 - Verne Troyer arrives in a pick-up truck. Meanwhile, our main cast, dressed as Nazis, are getting high.
00:46:00 - The terrorists arrive at Little Germany. Also, Little Germany has a giant cartoon Adolph Hitler walking around.
00:46:05 - Uwe Boll (playing himself) pays Verne Troyer (playing himself) in gold teeth. You make the connection; I don't feel right even typing it.
00:46:30 - Joke about young children being molested.
Now, I'd like to stop here for a moment. We're now half-way through this movie, and I can honestly say it's probably one of the most philosophically offensive things I've ever seen. Not because it's offensive, because all good comedy is a little offensive. It's just insensitive, which is completely different. I'm actually embarrassed for the cast of this movie, something that I've never actually felt before. This is everything it said it would be and more. At this point I don't even feel like watching the rest of the movie, but it'd be a bit of a cop-out to quit now.
So let's soldier on. For posterity or something.
00:46:40 - Anne Frank joke.
00:47:20 - The creator of the video game 'Postal', which this movie is based on, shows up to beat up Uwe Boll. Finally.
00:47:50 to 00:50:10 - The creator of 'Postal' just shot the handicapped guy. Uwe Boll shot the creator of 'Postal'. The terrorists just shot four or five civilians. Uwe Boll just shot a small child eating a corndog. A child is shot. And another one. And another one. And another one. And another one. Uwe Boll is shot in the crotch. Verne Troyer punches an eight year old in a crotch. Verne Troyer is locked in a suitcase with a glow-in-the-dark set of genitals. I'm not making any of this up.
00:51:20 - Our heroes are still wearing swastikas. How did anyone read this script and agree to be in the movie?! Come on Dave Foley, I know you've had a rough few years, but seriously.
00:51:58 - An attractive girl vomits, and we see the whole thing happen.
00:52:10 - Main character runs over the woman from the welfare office. She's flipped into the air Brad Pitt in 'Meet Joe Black' style. And then hit by another car on her way down. And then hit by a police car. Her dead body is being juggled through the air by a series of cars.
00:52:22 - Black cop is the one who hit the woman. He's relieved it's a woman and not a flat tire.
00:52:40 - Back at Little Germany, a reporter makes a gigantic pile of dead children and stands in the middle of them for a news report. She's putting water in her eyes to make it look like she's been crying. There are an uncountable number of dead kids on the screen. What the hell.
00:53:00 - We get gratuitous close-ups on the dead kids.
00:53:50 - FINALLY, the swastika armbands come off. That was 13 minutes of cinematic magic there.
00:54:50 - Our main character finally gets a name -- Postal Dude.
00:55:30 - Postal Dude slips on chunks of J.K. Simmons from earlier in the movie.
00:56:40 - Everyone in this movie now has a gun. The main character's dressed up as a cop.
00:57:26 - Postal Dude says Verne Troyer looks like a penguin in his suit, and it's so true. I'll admit, I laughed at that.
00:58:28 - News report about the world blowing up the Middle East to separate Africa from the rest of the world so we can just 'forget about it'.
00:59:03 - Postal Dude shoots a terrorist THROUGH A CAT. HE STICKS THE GUN UP THE CAT'S BUTT AND FIRES OUT IT'S MOUTH. The cat survives and is fine. I'm pretty sure cats don't work that way.
01:01:40 - Plot twist, I guess they're not selling the Krotchy Dolls, I guess they're using them to bring about Armageddon.
01:02:25 - Apparently Krotchy Dolls distribute Avian Bird Flu to the population at large.
01:03:28 - Verne Troyer is the harbinger of the Apocalypse.
01:04:20 - Verne Troyer, playing himself, is raped by ten thousand monkeys. I cannot stress enough that I have not made any of this up.
01:05:00 - Apparently the terrorists are using a different handicapped guy to destroy the world.
01:05:40 - Osama bin Laden is at a leadership training seminar at a local motel.
01:06:11 - Dave Foley betrays his nephew, Postal Dude, and gets full on kissed on the lips by a fat guy who is his follower who is also holding a gun to his head. They kiss for a solid thirty seconds, and Dave Foley enjoys it.
01:07:50 - Dave Foley is apparently gay, despite there being no clues whatsoever anywhere else in the movie.
01:08:16 - And now he's been shot and is dead. Also, he's groping a boob as he dies.
01:10:17 - The main character uses a box of explosive shells and an electrical wire to blow up a door he's been trapped behind.
01:11:03 - Meanwhile, attractive models eating brownies outside the door.
01:11:43 - Postal Dude is going to go upstairs and kill some terrorists. Also, he's got an Anarchy tattoo since earlier in the movie. And the supermodels are now helping him as a crack SWAT team.
01:13:37 - "Go home, ladies, and no more stupid cults that look forward to the end of the world." "We've decided to be Christians." "Oh well!"
01:14:00 - Title card -- 'TWO MINUTES LATER...'
01:14:43 - I just realized who a bit part character actor from earlier in the movie was -- David Huddleston, a.k.a. The Big Lebowski in the movie of the same name. Awesome.
01:17:07 - Osama bin Laden's credit card is declined at a motivational lecture.
01:17:53 - Postal Dude runs over a baby.
01:17:58 - Black cop, his foreign partner and Postal Dude's wife are blown up in a trailer explosion while they engage in a bizarre threesome.
01:19:50 - The climactic fight scene apparently takes place in a trailer park. A guy is shot with a shotgun and is blown through his trailer while in his underwear.
01:21:30 - Motivational lecture on why religious extremism is bad. Swelling orchestral music. It's less convincing since it revolves around Postal Dude holding everyone hostage with a bomb.
01:22:50 - "Let's find some common ground!" "Well, we all hate Jews!" "Yeah, everyone knows that!"
01:23:20 - Motivational lecture fails, the gunfight resumes.
01:24:50 - Postal Dude and his conveniently found new lady friend kill a whole bunch of people. Osama bin Laden places a collect call to George W. Bush who is golfing at a miniature golf course.
01:26:20 - There's gunfire noises overdubbed, but people are walking around calmly in the background. Masterful work, Dr. Boll.
01:26:45 - Osama bin Laden tells George W. Bush, "I wish I knew how to quit you."
01:28:00 - Handicapped terrorist guy tries to blow up IRS Agents, but forgets to put on his suicide belt and instead blows up Osama's second hand man.
01:28:45 - Character actor Rick Hoffman is killed after not appearing in the movie for over an hour.
01:29:00 - Postal Dude is shot in the head, and then isn't?
01:29:10 - Postal Dude's crowning moment of awesome is... "Don't be a dick, dick!" That's disappointing.
01:29:20 - Close-ups on a lot of dead people from the shootout.
01:29:30 - Postal Dude drives off into the sunset with convenient new lady friend and his dog.
01:30:00 - President George W. Bush blows up India and China, but not before India shoots 30 atomic warheads at America, which will blow up in two minutes. What do we think, two minutes actual time as far as the movie's concerned?
01:31:04 - Postal Dude's wife is blown up along with all the Avian Bird Flu. Postal Dude: "I regret nothing".
01:31:37 - Postal Dude's wife's guts are blown all over town and hit several people in the head.
01:32:02 - Knock-off of 'What A Wonderful World' plays.
01:32:09 - Osama bin Laden and George W. Bush skip hand-in-hand through a field into a sunset. Osama: "Georgie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship".
01:32:20 - The nukes hit in the distance as bin Laden and Bush skip towards them. A giant mushroom cloud, and we fade to white, and then the credits.
I'm not watching the credits. Don't even ask me to.
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Today's entry: 'Postal', a film by Uwe Boll. 'Postal' is described as "South Park meets Team America: World Police" and "one of the most offensive comedies of all time". When a comedy goes out of its way to tell you it's offensive, you know it's gotta mean something.
Now, 'Postal' was supposed to make $1m+ (or so thought director Uwe Boll) but instead opened nationwide on something like 12 screens and didn't make back a fraction of it's money. 'Postal' is rumored to be so bad that... well, the movie's supposed to be infamously bad. But let's watch and see if that holds up.
I'll post the time code in the movie, and then what's happening. So let's peruse 'Postal'.
NOTE: This is a warning. This movie's really, really offensive. If you're easily offended, do not click the link below. Please. I'm just describing the movie in as plain of terms as possible, but still... it's pretty bad.
Click here to read the write-up!
00:00:01 - The Uwe Boll logo. Ominous music. Definitely a good start for bad crap.
00:00:10 - We're flying through the clouds with airplane chatter. Uwe Boll's name popped up.
00:00:25 - Two middle-eastern guys are flying the plane. Likelihood that this is a 9/11 joke: 75%.
00:00:30 - They both have thick accents and just said martyrdom. Likelihood that this is a 9/11 joke: 90%.
00:00:45 - The middle-eastern guys are arguing over the number of virgins they'll get in Heaven.
(I just tried to fast-forward the movie on Netflix, and it's disabled. I CANNOT FAST FORWARD THIS MOVIE.)
00:01:45 - The guys are talking to Osama bin Laden. He's apparently The Flash, since he just told them an enormous amount of information in two seconds. Either that, or the actors are terrible at one-sided phone conversations. Hmm...
00:02:10 - Apparently there's not 100 virgins for martyrs, there's only 20 due to too many martyrs.
00:02:55 - The terrorists are abandoning their mission and are instead going to take the plane to the Bahamas. Passengers are trying to break down the door.
00:03:00 - The passengers have broken down the door and are beating up the terrorists.
00:03:15 - They just crashed the plane into the World Trade Center on accident. I'm guaranteed a ticket in hell for having seen this.
00:03:30 - We've got movie title!
00:03:44 - Joke about Axl Rose!
00:03:54 - Joke about gay marriage!
00:04:00 - Joke about Tom Cruise! Keep the fresh jokes coming, Dr. Boll! Oh yeah, did I mention Uwe Boll was a doctor?
00:04:26 - We meet the main character. He's got a laughably overweight wife in a sexy outfit who has a southern accent and is calling him names. Classy.
00:04:44 - Main character just drank rotten milk, did a spit take. Clearly we've reached the pinnacle of comedy.
00:05:00 - Main character steps in dog poop.
00:05:21 - Main character's dog eats his own poop.
00:06:04 - Main character's wife is cheating on him.
00:06:05 - We've got a catch-phrase! "I hate this town!"
00:06:10 - Hey! J.K. Simmons is in this movie! What's he doing here, he's been in some respectable stuff recently!
00:06:31 - Holy crap, Erick Avari's in this movie too! Have we died and gone to character actor heaven?
00:06:47 - Guy in turban playing DDR.
00:07:00 - Terrorist hide-out in the back of a convenience store has a 'No infidels allowed' sign on the door.
00:07:40 - Erick Avari just shouted 'Woo hoo!' in the most memorable way I've ever heard. I'd go back and record it for you to hear, except that I CAN'T REWIND.
00:07:56 - Main character is at a job interview. Character actor Rick Hoffman is the interviewer. I'm now pretty sure that I'm in character actor heaven.
00:08:11 - There are five severed heads on poles in this company's conference room. "I see you noticed the heads. Motivational."
00:08:36 - Main character is flailing around in a broken chair. Obvious sight gags ahoy!
00:09:01 - The chair magically fixed itself.
00:09:12 - The chair's broken again.
00:09:25 - The chair's fixed again.
00:09:30 - At least the part where he gets asked stupid interview questions is accurate. I've been to at least one job interview like this.
00:11:15 - The main character is singing a fight song for the company. It's unpleasant more than anything else.
00:11:56 - Catch-phrase again!
00:12:05 - Hippy commune.
00:12:15 - The hippy commune is called the 'Denomination of Organic Monotheism'. DOOM. Cute.
00:12:32 - Holy crap, Dave Foley's in this movie as the leader of DOOM. And his character name is Dave. I check my pulse. I'm not dead, but I think maybe character actor heaven came to me instead. This can't be heaven, though... maybe character actor hell. But then why is Dave Foley there?
00:13:22 - "Pious people in the house say 'Ohhhh!'"
00:13:31 - Gratuitous nudity.
00:14:22 - DAVE FOLEY IS COMPLETELY NAKED. TOTALLY NAKED. AND WE SEE EVERYTHING. THIS IS CHARACTER ACTOR HELL.
00:14:39 - AND NOW HE'S POOPING, AND WE'RE WATCHING. WHYYYYYYYY?!
00:15:22 - 'Poop smells bad' joke!
00:16:47 - Main character accosted by guy from New Jersey in track suit.
00:17:31 - 'Asian woman is a bad driver' joke!
00:17:53 - Black guy cop complaining about foreigners not knowing English. Again, only the most cutting edge humor.
00:18:30 - Black guy cop just shot the Asian woman in the face with a shotgun for being a bad driver.
00:19:11 - Even more character actors. I'm going to stop calling out anything but the most notable ones.
00:19:28 - Joke about guy not knowing what he wants to order at Starbucks! Stick that one in a Ziplock bag!
00:20:41 - Dave Foley's character is the main character's uncle apparently.
00:20:52 - 'Donkey show' joke!
00:21:42 - To quote Dave Foley on 'Kids In The Hall', PREMISE BEACH! WE'VE GOT A FLIMSY MOVIE PREMISE!
00:22:00 - Apparently the main character couldn't go to college because he pooped on the flag as a result of Dave Foley's previous wacky scheme.
00:23:30 - There's a shooting at the welfare office. The shooter is humming 'O Tannenbaum'.
00:24:15 - Main character steals a waiting line ticket from a dead guy. He gets to the window and... the office closes! What a crazy random happenstance!
00:25:00 - Main character's wife is cheating on him with his gross redneck neighbor. We see way more than necessary.
00:26:24 - The main character's wife is still cheating on him, and is now coated in kitchen flour. Why? No idea.
00:27:03 - New Jersey guy is back and is now holding main character hostage.
00:27:40 - The main character just killed New Jersey guy with his own gun while Dave Foley ponders about frequent flier miles. Also, main character is now involved in Dave's new scheme!
00:28:15 - Osama bin Laden joke tape.
00:28:55 - The terrorist director of the tape is playing it broad. Osama's lactose intolerant and has an affluent white guy accent. He's also a diva on set.
00:29:59 - 9/11 was "child's play" compared to their evil plan for something called 'Krotchy Dolls', which are children's dolls shaped like the male anatomy. Also, Osama's assistant thinks Oprah's lost a lot of weight.
00:31:32 - Dave Foley and main character can't do math!
00:32:12 - The main premise is that they're going to steal these Krotchy Dolls and sell them on eBay. They're also the same dolls that the terrorists have done something to as per their evil plan.
00:32:30 - J.K. Simmons is back, and is gone again!
00:33:16 - Guy in turban playing air hockey.
00:33:26 - Suicide bomber saying goodbye to boxes of cereal as he walks down the cereal aisle.
00:33:57 - J.K. Simmons just got blown up by a suicide bomber. He's covered in horrible burn make-up and his charred face just slid down the window of a convenience store.
00:35:00 - Main character just used a disabled guy in a wheelchair as a ladder to climb a fence.
00:35:40 - Black cop is back and is now stealing from the disabled guy.
00:36:25 - Black cop apparently keeps the handicapped guy in his garage under a blanket.
00:37:00 - Apparently the caper is going to take place in somewhere called 'Little Germany'. Gee, Uwe Boll is from Germany. I wonder if... naw, he's not that hackneyed.
00:38:11 - The terrorists are going to attack Little Germany for the dolls as well. Osama takes a telephone call from George W. Bush.
00:38:50 - George W. Bush is playing with Legos and just destroyed Lego Twin Towers with a plastic toy plane while talking to bin Laden.
00:39:35 - Verne Troyer plays himself. Apparently he's the voice of the Krotchy charater.
00:40:00 - THE MAIN CAST IS WEARING HITLER MUSTACHES AND SWASTIKA ARM BANDS.
00:40:43 - The first joke I've actually laughed at -- Little Germany is just Little Holland with with sign painted over.
00:40:41 - Little Germany has gas chambers. Seriously.
00:41:00 - Uwe Boll is now in the movie as himself, a charismatic, handsome and rich film director who owns Little Germany and is in no way a hack. They just described him as having made several "hit movies". That's a stretch.
00:41:40 - Black cop is back and using the handicapped guy to solicit money in Little Germany.
00:42:10 - Uwe Boll says his movies are made with Nazi gold.
00:42:30 - Uwe Boll just said he's sexually aroused by children.
00:43:35 - Dave Foley, dressed in a Hitler mustache and swastika armband, just told an army of women dressed just like him to seduce security guards. And the guards are turned on by this.
00:44:50 - Verne Troyer arrives in a pick-up truck. Meanwhile, our main cast, dressed as Nazis, are getting high.
00:46:00 - The terrorists arrive at Little Germany. Also, Little Germany has a giant cartoon Adolph Hitler walking around.
00:46:05 - Uwe Boll (playing himself) pays Verne Troyer (playing himself) in gold teeth. You make the connection; I don't feel right even typing it.
00:46:30 - Joke about young children being molested.
Now, I'd like to stop here for a moment. We're now half-way through this movie, and I can honestly say it's probably one of the most philosophically offensive things I've ever seen. Not because it's offensive, because all good comedy is a little offensive. It's just insensitive, which is completely different. I'm actually embarrassed for the cast of this movie, something that I've never actually felt before. This is everything it said it would be and more. At this point I don't even feel like watching the rest of the movie, but it'd be a bit of a cop-out to quit now.
So let's soldier on. For posterity or something.
00:46:40 - Anne Frank joke.
00:47:20 - The creator of the video game 'Postal', which this movie is based on, shows up to beat up Uwe Boll. Finally.
00:47:50 to 00:50:10 - The creator of 'Postal' just shot the handicapped guy. Uwe Boll shot the creator of 'Postal'. The terrorists just shot four or five civilians. Uwe Boll just shot a small child eating a corndog. A child is shot. And another one. And another one. And another one. And another one. Uwe Boll is shot in the crotch. Verne Troyer punches an eight year old in a crotch. Verne Troyer is locked in a suitcase with a glow-in-the-dark set of genitals. I'm not making any of this up.
00:51:20 - Our heroes are still wearing swastikas. How did anyone read this script and agree to be in the movie?! Come on Dave Foley, I know you've had a rough few years, but seriously.
00:51:58 - An attractive girl vomits, and we see the whole thing happen.
00:52:10 - Main character runs over the woman from the welfare office. She's flipped into the air Brad Pitt in 'Meet Joe Black' style. And then hit by another car on her way down. And then hit by a police car. Her dead body is being juggled through the air by a series of cars.
00:52:22 - Black cop is the one who hit the woman. He's relieved it's a woman and not a flat tire.
00:52:40 - Back at Little Germany, a reporter makes a gigantic pile of dead children and stands in the middle of them for a news report. She's putting water in her eyes to make it look like she's been crying. There are an uncountable number of dead kids on the screen. What the hell.
00:53:00 - We get gratuitous close-ups on the dead kids.
00:53:50 - FINALLY, the swastika armbands come off. That was 13 minutes of cinematic magic there.
00:54:50 - Our main character finally gets a name -- Postal Dude.
00:55:30 - Postal Dude slips on chunks of J.K. Simmons from earlier in the movie.
00:56:40 - Everyone in this movie now has a gun. The main character's dressed up as a cop.
00:57:26 - Postal Dude says Verne Troyer looks like a penguin in his suit, and it's so true. I'll admit, I laughed at that.
00:58:28 - News report about the world blowing up the Middle East to separate Africa from the rest of the world so we can just 'forget about it'.
00:59:03 - Postal Dude shoots a terrorist THROUGH A CAT. HE STICKS THE GUN UP THE CAT'S BUTT AND FIRES OUT IT'S MOUTH. The cat survives and is fine. I'm pretty sure cats don't work that way.
01:01:40 - Plot twist, I guess they're not selling the Krotchy Dolls, I guess they're using them to bring about Armageddon.
01:02:25 - Apparently Krotchy Dolls distribute Avian Bird Flu to the population at large.
01:03:28 - Verne Troyer is the harbinger of the Apocalypse.
01:04:20 - Verne Troyer, playing himself, is raped by ten thousand monkeys. I cannot stress enough that I have not made any of this up.
01:05:00 - Apparently the terrorists are using a different handicapped guy to destroy the world.
01:05:40 - Osama bin Laden is at a leadership training seminar at a local motel.
01:06:11 - Dave Foley betrays his nephew, Postal Dude, and gets full on kissed on the lips by a fat guy who is his follower who is also holding a gun to his head. They kiss for a solid thirty seconds, and Dave Foley enjoys it.
01:07:50 - Dave Foley is apparently gay, despite there being no clues whatsoever anywhere else in the movie.
01:08:16 - And now he's been shot and is dead. Also, he's groping a boob as he dies.
01:10:17 - The main character uses a box of explosive shells and an electrical wire to blow up a door he's been trapped behind.
01:11:03 - Meanwhile, attractive models eating brownies outside the door.
01:11:43 - Postal Dude is going to go upstairs and kill some terrorists. Also, he's got an Anarchy tattoo since earlier in the movie. And the supermodels are now helping him as a crack SWAT team.
01:13:37 - "Go home, ladies, and no more stupid cults that look forward to the end of the world." "We've decided to be Christians." "Oh well!"
01:14:00 - Title card -- 'TWO MINUTES LATER...'
01:14:43 - I just realized who a bit part character actor from earlier in the movie was -- David Huddleston, a.k.a. The Big Lebowski in the movie of the same name. Awesome.
01:17:07 - Osama bin Laden's credit card is declined at a motivational lecture.
01:17:53 - Postal Dude runs over a baby.
01:17:58 - Black cop, his foreign partner and Postal Dude's wife are blown up in a trailer explosion while they engage in a bizarre threesome.
01:19:50 - The climactic fight scene apparently takes place in a trailer park. A guy is shot with a shotgun and is blown through his trailer while in his underwear.
01:21:30 - Motivational lecture on why religious extremism is bad. Swelling orchestral music. It's less convincing since it revolves around Postal Dude holding everyone hostage with a bomb.
01:22:50 - "Let's find some common ground!" "Well, we all hate Jews!" "Yeah, everyone knows that!"
01:23:20 - Motivational lecture fails, the gunfight resumes.
01:24:50 - Postal Dude and his conveniently found new lady friend kill a whole bunch of people. Osama bin Laden places a collect call to George W. Bush who is golfing at a miniature golf course.
01:26:20 - There's gunfire noises overdubbed, but people are walking around calmly in the background. Masterful work, Dr. Boll.
01:26:45 - Osama bin Laden tells George W. Bush, "I wish I knew how to quit you."
01:28:00 - Handicapped terrorist guy tries to blow up IRS Agents, but forgets to put on his suicide belt and instead blows up Osama's second hand man.
01:28:45 - Character actor Rick Hoffman is killed after not appearing in the movie for over an hour.
01:29:00 - Postal Dude is shot in the head, and then isn't?
01:29:10 - Postal Dude's crowning moment of awesome is... "Don't be a dick, dick!" That's disappointing.
01:29:20 - Close-ups on a lot of dead people from the shootout.
01:29:30 - Postal Dude drives off into the sunset with convenient new lady friend and his dog.
01:30:00 - President George W. Bush blows up India and China, but not before India shoots 30 atomic warheads at America, which will blow up in two minutes. What do we think, two minutes actual time as far as the movie's concerned?
01:31:04 - Postal Dude's wife is blown up along with all the Avian Bird Flu. Postal Dude: "I regret nothing".
01:31:37 - Postal Dude's wife's guts are blown all over town and hit several people in the head.
01:32:02 - Knock-off of 'What A Wonderful World' plays.
01:32:09 - Osama bin Laden and George W. Bush skip hand-in-hand through a field into a sunset. Osama: "Georgie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship".
01:32:20 - The nukes hit in the distance as bin Laden and Bush skip towards them. A giant mushroom cloud, and we fade to white, and then the credits.
I'm not watching the credits. Don't even ask me to.
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