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A Thousand Years of Vince Vaughn
Posted by Austin
on
12:05 PM
in
crap
Once in a lifetime comes a story so powerful, so moving, that your only option is to stop and weep. This is probably one of those stories.
As reported on Gawker today, a 39-year-old LA dog walker and yoga instructor named Edie Cortese is pitching a book entitled 'A Thousand Years of Vince Vaughn'. The book, which sounds an awful lot like 'The Fountain', 'Somewhere In Time' and 'Couples Retreat', is described in the authors summary as follows.
Let's stop for a moment, and clear the air of the same misconceptions I had when initially reading this proposal.
First, this is not a comedy. This is mind-blowing in and of itself. The premise of this book is very serious, and very real. I'm not 100% sure how Vince Vaughn, Silk Trader would act, but I'm assuming this isn't the literary equivalent of Vaughn romping through history with a series of wiener jokes. This is a serious manuscript, people!
Second, yes, Vince Vaughn is supposed to be the great, ideal love throughout history. When I think of the great lovers in literature -- the cold and domineering Mr. Darcy, the destructive Heathcliff -- I can't help but not think about Vince Vaughn. Is this book living revisionism? I mean, I know that I don't really know Vince Vaughn as a person, I just have a hard time imagining him as the torrid timeless lover described here.
Third, this might be the greatest manuscript of all time. It jumps the literary shark so far that it circumnavigates the globe and lands right on top of the replacement shark for the one that you killed by jumping over it, killing it as well. It's hilarious -- Vince Vaughn as the bold, Byronic lover. What an amazing pitch.
Of course, this would mean that Vince
Vaughn would likely have to sign off on this book, which means he'd also most likely meet the author. This could be either amazing or horrifying, depending on if you're the movie star or the dog walker.
One thing's clear: I want to read your best Vince Vaughn romances. Should you be so inclined, write up a couple sentences, maybe a paragraph or two, about loving Vince Vaughn somewhere in history. I'll get us started.
"Your eyes are like the purest jade," Vince Vaughn said, his voice cloudy with opium. His purple turban shimmered phosphorescently in the dim lantern light. Overheard, fireflies danced. "I felt like Jodi Foster in 'The Accused' last night."
"Oh, you say such strange things while intoxicated," she sighed, running her fingers through Vaughn's wispy, dangling beard. "Tell me, Silk Trader Vaughn, will you still love me in the morning?"
"No," Vince Vaughn said, his eyes smoky and distant. "But perhaps I can love you tonight."
Off in the distance, Owen Wilson, Chinese fisherman, smiled.
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As reported on Gawker today, a 39-year-old LA dog walker and yoga instructor named Edie Cortese is pitching a book entitled 'A Thousand Years of Vince Vaughn'. The book, which sounds an awful lot like 'The Fountain', 'Somewhere In Time' and 'Couples Retreat', is described in the authors summary as follows.
Let's stop for a moment, and clear the air of the same misconceptions I had when initially reading this proposal.
First, this is not a comedy. This is mind-blowing in and of itself. The premise of this book is very serious, and very real. I'm not 100% sure how Vince Vaughn, Silk Trader would act, but I'm assuming this isn't the literary equivalent of Vaughn romping through history with a series of wiener jokes. This is a serious manuscript, people!
Second, yes, Vince Vaughn is supposed to be the great, ideal love throughout history. When I think of the great lovers in literature -- the cold and domineering Mr. Darcy, the destructive Heathcliff -- I can't help but not think about Vince Vaughn. Is this book living revisionism? I mean, I know that I don't really know Vince Vaughn as a person, I just have a hard time imagining him as the torrid timeless lover described here.
Third, this might be the greatest manuscript of all time. It jumps the literary shark so far that it circumnavigates the globe and lands right on top of the replacement shark for the one that you killed by jumping over it, killing it as well. It's hilarious -- Vince Vaughn as the bold, Byronic lover. What an amazing pitch.
Of course, this would mean that Vince
Vaughn would likely have to sign off on this book, which means he'd also most likely meet the author. This could be either amazing or horrifying, depending on if you're the movie star or the dog walker.One thing's clear: I want to read your best Vince Vaughn romances. Should you be so inclined, write up a couple sentences, maybe a paragraph or two, about loving Vince Vaughn somewhere in history. I'll get us started.
"Your eyes are like the purest jade," Vince Vaughn said, his voice cloudy with opium. His purple turban shimmered phosphorescently in the dim lantern light. Overheard, fireflies danced. "I felt like Jodi Foster in 'The Accused' last night."
"Oh, you say such strange things while intoxicated," she sighed, running her fingers through Vaughn's wispy, dangling beard. "Tell me, Silk Trader Vaughn, will you still love me in the morning?"
"No," Vince Vaughn said, his eyes smoky and distant. "But perhaps I can love you tonight."
Off in the distance, Owen Wilson, Chinese fisherman, smiled.
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