Friends, scientists and scholars, welcome and hello. Here at this blog, we seek to enrich and enhance your lives. We are relentless in this pursuit, and your edification is priority one. As such, this blog seeks to provide you with a valuable service -- namely, the publication and compilation of all verses of The Diarrhea Song. May this humble chronicle serve as a signpost for future generations, and a record by which to solve any lyrical diarrhea dispute.

So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: the complete annotated Diarrhea Song.

Part I.
An Introduction to Incontinence
- and-
The Baseball Motif

In this section, we join the first three verses of the Diarrhea Song. Herein we encounter the first sub-motif of the piece; namely, the baseball metaphor.

When you're sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're sliding into home
And your pants are filled with foam
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

It is here that we encounter the conflict of the work, namely, man's fight against his inner nature. The struggle of man versus his primal self is nowhere more evident than the symbolic 'bursting' of the pants. Like the Incredible Hulk escaping into a primal rage, so does our protagonist's pants, indicating that perhaps our more animal needs are lurking just beneath the surface. This primal bubbling becomes more apparent in the second verse, when the titular diarrhea appears as a goo rather than a fully substantiated bowel movement. The bowel movement itself appears in our third verse, this time described vigorously as a 'greasy turd'. The language is course, naturally, to emphasize the primal nature of the action. Finally we are treated to a narrative resolution, as our protagonist arrives at home, completing his journey. His antagonist, the poop, has fled, leaving behind only traces. Our protagonist is changed from his journey, and not for the better. His defeat is very public, which he does not accept. We will revisit his struggle later in the work.

Part II.
Breakfast: A Cautionary Tale

According to popular wisdom, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It is then understandable that diarrhea, as a primal force of nature, would interrupt the morning procession. In this way, the original author (whose name is lost to history) deftly demonstrates that even our most basic traditions can be disrupted by the unexpected.

When you're drinking Orange Juice
And you feel something loose
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

Something's running down your leg
Like a mushy scrambled egg
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

Referring back to the highly influential theories of Joseph Campbell, the author places eggs and juice as archetypes of the classic breakfast. Their inclusion is natural, and their interference all the more poignant for it. The same effect could not be achieved with any other meal, such as lunch or dinner. Only the classic 'breakfast' holds this type of power.

Part III.
Recreation: Pretty Much The Same Thing
-or-
Can You Believe You're Still Reading This?

But the protagonist's harassment does not end having left the breakfast table. Even in recreation, diarrhea strikes unpredictably, breaking the monotony of the day. These verses illuminate our inner struggle as well as provided a much-needed sense of whimsy to the work.

When you're swimming in the pool
And you feel something cool
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're walking up a ladder
And you feel something splatter
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're sittin' in your Chevy
And your pants are getting heavy
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're shifting into gear
And you feel a sudden smear
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're sittin' in your class
And then something makes a splash
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're playing with your pet
And you feel something wet
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When on the court you shoot a foul
And there's a movement in your bowel
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're running down the road
And your shorts begin to load
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're feeling pretty mellow
But you see that brownish-yellow
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're looking at a map
And you need to take a crap
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're sitting in your chair
And you feel your butt cheeks tear
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you trip and take a tumble
And you feel your belly rumble
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

When you're riding on a horse
And you feel something coarse
Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

As you can plainly see, these verses seek to illustrate that, in a variety of situations, diarrhea can occur without warning. Diarrhea here is a populist figure, not discriminating against anyone in particular. All are equal under diarrhea, and no-one is spared. Like an avenging angel, diarrhea strikes all. Symbolically, diarrhea can be considered a stand-in for death; both are inevitable, and both are considered divine forces of retribution. Also important is that these verses serve as a sort of Greek chorus for the final set, illuminating and adding on to the narrative without providing any real sense of resolution. The denouement of the piece occurs in the final section...

Part IV.
The Bathroom Saga

Finally we arrive at the last section. This arc, known as The Bathroom Saga, tells the tale of a man who happens to be in an ideal situation to deal with diarrhea. Like a great tragic figure, our everyman realizes his fate and quickly comes to terms with it. In this section, the classic chorus/refrain is abandoned for the sake of storytelling.

When your stomach kinda hurts
And you start to get the squirts

When you start to take a piss
But you sense something amiss

When you're staring at your shoes
And you feel a sudden ooze

When you sit down in the stall
And then something starts to fall

And it comes out of your bum
Like a bullet from a gun

Diarrhea, boom boom, diarrhea

This is the narrative climax of the work; our hero has finally made it to the bathroom to deal with his rampant diarrhea. He has overcome all obstacles and has made peace with the diarrhea. The story ends dramatically, and abruptly. We feel narrative relief.

Part V.
Conclusions

As a great work of folk fiction, The Diarrhea Song has spread virally from playground to playground. The length and detail of the story changes with the teller, as do several key details. As such, a definitive version of The Diarrhea Song is impossible; any attempt at final documentation will only encourage future mutation and evolution. Hopefully this document will provide a guideline and reference to what can be considered the American Standard version of The Diarrhea Song; it can be used to settle any disputes, and as a scholarly source.

As Nietzsche once said: "Diarrhea isn't funny... unless it's happening to someone else."

Author Austin Hudson, is an independent journalist and researcher, as well as the world's premier expert on digestive lyricism. He is also perpetually ten years old.

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