4
HP Sucks
Posted by Austin
on
7:32 PM
Let's talk about how badly HP sucks.
A couple of years ago, I bought the HP Photosmart 2575 printer. Don't click that link yet, because I don't want to spoil the surprise. I was in a rush, and there weren't really any reviews on Amazon, so I bought it because it was under $200 and seemed like it would be OK. For a couple weeks, the printer worked gloriously! It printed stuff, the scanner was fairly reliable, it was pretty nice.
Well, in less than a month, the printer broke. It stopped taking paper in, and when it would, it would jam easily. I went to Best Buy to return it, but without a receipt, I couldn't do anything. That's fine, I'll take it up with HP. So I contact HP, and talk to their customer service, who tells me this:
"Your printer is probably dirty."
Anyone who has ever been to my house knows this is the stupidest thing in the world. My house is clean, freakishly clean, so it's not a cleanliness issue. But I'm willing to try HP's solution, so I clean the rollers like they say. It does nothing. I contact customer support again, and say that their fix doesn't work. Their response?
"Unfortunately, there seems to be an issue with this printer. There is no repair policy at this time. Thank you for contacting HP!"
What?! Seriously? So I did the next best thing -- called my way up the corporate ladder. I started asking for managers, and managers of managers, until eventually (true story) I ended up with the secretary to the head of manufacturing. She asked me to explain my issues, so I did, and even told her that at this point their product had incredibly low reviews across the internet. She seemed patient, and genuinely surprised when I said how their printer just seems to stop working, and they have no way to fix it.
She vowed they would look into it, but that they couldn't promise anything. That was a long time ago.
I forgot about the printer. I stuck it on my shelf, like an expensive paperweight, until today.
See, Kathy needed to print some forms, and her printer broke. Out of desperation, I decided hey, why not hook up the old HP and see if maybe I can get it to work. So I took it off the shelf (where it wasn't even dusty), cleaned the rollers, and hooked it up. I put paper in, and holy crap, it cycles a piece of paper through! Maybe time fixed the printer! We click the Print button and... well... it didn't work. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to get it to work, culminating in the printer insisting a piece of paper was stuck even when I could see the entire inside of the printer.
It's a sign of mental illness to prescribe human attributes to inanimate objects. But I swear, when I look at that printer, it's like it's laughing at me. The printer is the Cthulhu of printers, a dark elder god with means and logic beyond my realm of comprehension.
HP, you guys suck. You guys suck so bad that I had to make an angry, semi-illiterate YouTube video. Two years later, this printer is so terrible that I still get angry thinking about it.
You guys suck so bad that if I have to tell everyone I know and love that you suck, I'll do it. I've posted that you suck on Facebook. I'm Twittering how badly you suck. I'm going to load up this video at a New Years Eve party and make sure that everyone I know discovers how badly you suck. I don't care if I become a social pariah, feared by school children and whispered about by old women. I will make it my personal quest to inform the entire world about how badly you guys suck at making printers.
One day I will be elected President, and when I do, my first act of business will be to hold a press conference announcing that HP makes the worst printers on the planet.
If I were to travel down to the river, mill some papyrus, spend a few hundred years refining it into paper, spend another 50 years learning to hand-letter in Helvetica... it would still be faster than trying to print a single piece of paper on your printer.
I don't think I can state my thesis any more clearly: HP sucks. Please go out of business, HP, and may whoever designed this printer end up homeless. On that day, they can light a fire in the carcass of the ABSOLUTELY AWFUL HP PHOTOSMART 2575, and it can maybe keep them warm on cold winter nights. But probably not; the printer will accidentally extinguish the fire, because it's the only printer in existence that purposely tries to sabotage itself.
Guess what, HP? Your cunning little scheme didn't work. I just went and bought a new printer, and it's not from you, you indigent pieces of garbage and filth. You human excrement.
I hate you. So much.
|
A couple of years ago, I bought the HP Photosmart 2575 printer. Don't click that link yet, because I don't want to spoil the surprise. I was in a rush, and there weren't really any reviews on Amazon, so I bought it because it was under $200 and seemed like it would be OK. For a couple weeks, the printer worked gloriously! It printed stuff, the scanner was fairly reliable, it was pretty nice.
Well, in less than a month, the printer broke. It stopped taking paper in, and when it would, it would jam easily. I went to Best Buy to return it, but without a receipt, I couldn't do anything. That's fine, I'll take it up with HP. So I contact HP, and talk to their customer service, who tells me this:
"Your printer is probably dirty."
Anyone who has ever been to my house knows this is the stupidest thing in the world. My house is clean, freakishly clean, so it's not a cleanliness issue. But I'm willing to try HP's solution, so I clean the rollers like they say. It does nothing. I contact customer support again, and say that their fix doesn't work. Their response?
"Unfortunately, there seems to be an issue with this printer. There is no repair policy at this time. Thank you for contacting HP!"
What?! Seriously? So I did the next best thing -- called my way up the corporate ladder. I started asking for managers, and managers of managers, until eventually (true story) I ended up with the secretary to the head of manufacturing. She asked me to explain my issues, so I did, and even told her that at this point their product had incredibly low reviews across the internet. She seemed patient, and genuinely surprised when I said how their printer just seems to stop working, and they have no way to fix it.
She vowed they would look into it, but that they couldn't promise anything. That was a long time ago.
I forgot about the printer. I stuck it on my shelf, like an expensive paperweight, until today.
See, Kathy needed to print some forms, and her printer broke. Out of desperation, I decided hey, why not hook up the old HP and see if maybe I can get it to work. So I took it off the shelf (where it wasn't even dusty), cleaned the rollers, and hooked it up. I put paper in, and holy crap, it cycles a piece of paper through! Maybe time fixed the printer! We click the Print button and... well... it didn't work. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to get it to work, culminating in the printer insisting a piece of paper was stuck even when I could see the entire inside of the printer.
It's a sign of mental illness to prescribe human attributes to inanimate objects. But I swear, when I look at that printer, it's like it's laughing at me. The printer is the Cthulhu of printers, a dark elder god with means and logic beyond my realm of comprehension.
HP, you guys suck. You guys suck so bad that I had to make an angry, semi-illiterate YouTube video. Two years later, this printer is so terrible that I still get angry thinking about it.
You guys suck so bad that if I have to tell everyone I know and love that you suck, I'll do it. I've posted that you suck on Facebook. I'm Twittering how badly you suck. I'm going to load up this video at a New Years Eve party and make sure that everyone I know discovers how badly you suck. I don't care if I become a social pariah, feared by school children and whispered about by old women. I will make it my personal quest to inform the entire world about how badly you guys suck at making printers.
One day I will be elected President, and when I do, my first act of business will be to hold a press conference announcing that HP makes the worst printers on the planet.
If I were to travel down to the river, mill some papyrus, spend a few hundred years refining it into paper, spend another 50 years learning to hand-letter in Helvetica... it would still be faster than trying to print a single piece of paper on your printer.
I don't think I can state my thesis any more clearly: HP sucks. Please go out of business, HP, and may whoever designed this printer end up homeless. On that day, they can light a fire in the carcass of the ABSOLUTELY AWFUL HP PHOTOSMART 2575, and it can maybe keep them warm on cold winter nights. But probably not; the printer will accidentally extinguish the fire, because it's the only printer in existence that purposely tries to sabotage itself.
Guess what, HP? Your cunning little scheme didn't work. I just went and bought a new printer, and it's not from you, you indigent pieces of garbage and filth. You human excrement.
I hate you. So much.
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