(Digital acrylics on a digital canvas)

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I think I'm dying from that chicken fried steak I had at Blue Plate last night. I didn't sleep well at all last night, and today I'm both exhausted and have a wicked stomach ache.

Just so we're clear, if I do die, with my last dying breath I curse Scott.

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So I was forwarded this video from a couple years ago about an Asian Supremacist going a little (more) nuts on Fox News.

Prior to watching the video, knowing he's a racial supremacist, you know he's crazy. But I'd like you to watch and try and pin-point the exact second that this interview turns completely south into illogical land.

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Let's play random celebrity endorsement mash-up!

Which of Austin's favorite bands is currently looking to get their own band-branded As Seen On TV product?

If you guessed Weezer and the Snuggie, you're right?

Personally, I don't get it. Beyond the fact that the boys are hurting for money (stupid fans not willing to give The Red Album a chance), there's no logical link here. It's... just a Snuggie, with the word Weezer on it. On the plus side, I guess I'll have something to climb in during the winter?

I wonder... does this mean the market's open for other bands to get in on the lucrative 'useless but maybe not' product trend? If so, I have a list of products I would also like to see.

- The Coldplay 'Cold Play' Ice Cube Launcher
- Blink-182 Eye Drops
- Of Montreal Rhinestone Bedazzler
- Nine Inch Nails Jumbo Claw Hammer
- Dillinger Escape Plan Glow-In-The-Dark Flashlight
- Limited Edition The Who Yellow Pages
- TV On The Radio Universal Remote Control
- Bob Dylan Throat Lozenges
- The Foo Fighters HIV Prevention Pills
- Ozzy Osbourne Poultry Tenderizer

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Let's get dangerous: one star reviews of the unassailable 1942 film classic 'Casablanca'. Speaking ill of it is akin to treason, as it's definitely one of the most beloved and respected movies in the history of film. You'd have to be a crazy person to hate 'Casablanca', right?

Well...

From: Adron Gardner
Subject: How should I put this?

I hate this movie. Its not even a movie, more of a waste of time. I've wasting too much time writing this review already. THIS IS NOT A CLASSIC! It doesn't even qualify as bad or horrible! See CITIZEN KANE a million times (no really, a million) before you see this one. If I could just leave all the stars blank, then maybe I could begin to do it justice.

This one's kinda confusing to me. Adron likes classic movies (he apparently loves 'Citizen Kane') but he thinks 'Casablanca' is a waste of time? How can you love movies and not be able to find a single redeeming thing about 'Casablanca'?! I have to wonder if this guy saw a different 'Casablanca' rather than the one everyone else did.

From: Leonard Snerdley
Subject: Has not aged well at all

I rented this waiting to be blown away. I'm still waiting. I expected a lot more action. I'm pretty sure I will enjoy it a lot more when Warner Bros finally gets around to releasing the colorized version, the way this movie needs to be seen - the world is not black and white, why should our movies be?

At least this guy's honest with his expectations. I'd be pretty pissed if I thought 'Casablanca' was an action film too. I think he lost points, though, with wanting the movie to be colorized, not to enhance the visuals or show off the set design, but because 'the world is not black and white'. Besides, we'd lose some of those great noir shadows! So far this has just been displays of bad taste more than idiocy. Let's see what we can do about that.

From: plaid_platypus
Subject: Worst Movie Ever!

I was all prepared to love this movie. It started out all cool and retro and stuff, and the black and white was a nice touch, but then it got totally stupid. I mean, are we really supposed to believe aliens want to come down and like messing with Rick's Cabernet (which I thought was wine, but I guess I'm wrong). Ok, so it's either aliens or French Police or Nami's, whatever those are, but they shoulda made that clear.

But then it got okay again, cause Ingmar Bergman is like totally hot, and Bogart is easily the best looking chain smoking catcher's mitt to ever wear a tuxedo, so I just got sorta lost in the moment or whatever, but then they started ripping off all sorts of catch phrases. I was mad enough when Wayne's World stole "schwing!" but this movie steals tons of catch phrases: "Play it again", "this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship," etc. It even has a whole speech of nothing but catch phrases. Hire a screenwriter next time.

And the movie ends wrong! Wrongly. Whatever. She's supposed to get on the plane, and Bogart is supposed to be sad, but then she's supposed to get off the plane and everything is happy. That's how it works. ... So that's why this movie is like the worst movie ever.

I checked, because this guy's gotta be trolling for responses, right? Nope, checks out. This person is actually serious, and is not a joke account, which leads me to believe that this is a serious review. Where'd he get aliens out of the whole thing?

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Linkin Park what have you done you are a horrible person!@

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The digital age has heralded many wonderful changes for mankind. We're able to communicate at light speed, take journeys around the world without leaving our desk and download naughty pictures with the greatest of ease. Still, this is not without a cost. As a result of too much technology, especially the internet, you're getting weaker. Yes you, gentle reader, are becoming a big squishy sack of flesh and organs.

Not to worry, though. I'm here to help.

Today we're going to talk about self-defense. It might not make you a lean, mean, fighting machine, but it will make you one tough cookie. So let's get down to it.

First, it's a good idea to develop reflexes like a cat. That way, you'll be prepared for an attack at any time and at any place.



You're also going to want to learn some great ninja ability, like running up walls or something. This will help you evade people that you can't beat in a fight.



Of course, no amount of reflexes can save you if your trapped in a situation. If that comes up, you're going to need a powerful attack. A devastating fighting move. You need the double flying elbows.



But, as he said, sometimes you might miss, and then you're still stuck in a fight. That's why it's important, above all else, to master the one sure-fire fighting move. The one that has saved countless lives over the years and the top maneuver in any police officer or ninja arsenal.

The dropkick.

How effective is the dropkick? I don't know, let's ask this guy, since he manages to do it to a GIANT SNAKE!



But I can't teach you this maneuver. For it, you need a special teacher. A pioneer. A man who has mastered the dropkick.



Hopefully, with the guidance and wisdom given here, you'll be able to defend yourself if the day ever comes. Applying the principles of the double flying elbow and dropkick, there's no situation you can't get yourself out of.

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[UPDATE: Good news everyone, CLLCT.com is back!]

So some bad news just arrived via e-mail.

"Good evening, everyone. As you've noticed, CLLCT is down. The bad news is that it's down forever. We were going to upgrade the server, and the guys at volumedrive assured us they wouldn't wipe the server (i very specifically asked them not to). Of course, they did just that, and when I asked them why, they said "OH I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD TOO MANY FILES TO REUPOLOAD. HAHA, SORRIES!" Because they're apparently run by children. I did backup, but because it didn't seem like a high priority I forgot to backup the php database...making everything impossible to put back together. On top of that, volumedrive won't even give us a refund.

I'm very sorry, everyone...I don't have the energy and the will to recreate CLLCT. Doing it the first time completely exhausted me, doing it a second time would probably kill me. I will, eventually, move on to create other websites, but none of them will ever mean to me what CLLCT did. I'm proud to have known all of you and I'm proud that you were all members of my family."

To roughly 99.5% of you, that e-mail won't mean anything. I've linked to CLLCT several times on almost any site that would let me, but now, those links lead to nothing. So, if you're not already familiar with CLLCT, you can disregard the rest of this post. It won't mean anything to you and might just make you sad for something you missed out on.

So CLLCT, the most original music concept on the internet, is dead. Gone are the days of free music downloads from guys you'd never heard of. They're still around, but they're scattered. Hard to track back down. That was the charm; getting little independent jewels from bands that only existed for a brief moment before the musicians returned to their banks or schools or pointless jobs.

The true value of CLLCT was that it really was a family. Once you were in, you were in. There was no initiation or musical litmus test. You just had to have a reason to be there, and you were in. Everyone was on a first name basis with everyone else, and everyone was there for the same reason. We all loved the same music. Music made at home, in moldy basements and dusty garages, that sounded rough yet genuine. Honest. There was no overproduction or prepackaged sound loops. Just aspiring musicians making music and sharing it with friends.

Of course, those great, unsung low-fi bands and artists are still around. The site may be gone, but the music remains on our harddrives and CDs and iPods. Musicians like Seamonster and Morgan Enos will continue with easy pages like MySpace, but there's something missing. The feeling of community is gone, with its members scattered again across the internet.

If any other Family members end up reading this, please, send me an e-mail or leave me a comment on here. There are too many albums I never had a chance to download, and too many basement/garage/backyard concerts we never had a chance to throw.

[Edit: For the record, my e-mail address is austin _ surge AT hotmail DOT com]

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Today's entry: one star reviews of the 1967 classic album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. First, it's The Beatles and one of their absolute biggest records. The album is the stuff of legend. Shades of The Beatles can be heard today in countless albums across nearly every genre. To argue against the sheer willpower of Sgt. Pepper's is foolish, right?

Well, let's find out!

From: A Customer
Subject: art?

Rock? Art? If you want to call it that. Take it on its own terms. Don't compare it to a symphony. It is what it is.

And what is this music? Whatever it is, it SOUNDS like something made by four musicians who given the studio time and an enormous budget came up with ambition. What's it like to hear ambition? Listen to this. Want to hear MUSIC? Go elsewhere.

Woah, man! I just had a breakthrough! Rock and roll isn't art! It's not even music, man, it's AMBITION! Yeah, I mean, rock and roll isn't a symphony, it's a THING, man! Are the walls breathing? Are they closing in, man? Let me know, 'cause I'm strong enough to push them out again.

From: A Customer
Subject: This album doesn't deserve the hype

I use to be a big beatles fan but even then i hated this album. Its kind of weird that i dislike Sergeant Pepper so much because I really liked the Stones Their Satanic Majesties Request and Pink Floyds Piper at the Gates of Dawn. To me those albums had more beauty and imagination. Sergeant Pepper is just very dull and cutsy.The songs are all trite and petty,the album has no mood and little atmosphere. The songs are so childlike that I cant imagine kids enjoying them.The main problem that I have with this album is that its just not interesting.Even the cover is dumb. It has no beauty or darkness, it is pure silly drivel. Even A Day in the Life is dull and well, lifeless. I appreciate the fact that this album broke barriers and helped turn rock music into an art form but that doesnt mean i have to like it.

At least this guy thinks music can be art. If he doesn't like the album, that's fine. But to invoke 'Piper At The Gates Of Dawn', and then say 'Sgt. Pepper' is dull and cutesy? Did he forget what was actually on 'Piper At The Gates Of Dawn'? I've noticed there's a trend among the one star reviews of people who are upset that 'Piper' wasn't as widely accepted as 'Pepper'. Look, I love Floyd. I love Floyd hard. 'Piper' isn't a great album, music warriors. Let's move on.

From: Scott, A Kid
Subject: car crash victims don't sing and play the bass

Hi, my name's Scott, I'm 12 next spring I have been studying all Beatle litterature and theirown sleazy CDs and I have come to find without a single shotgun doubt that PMC was really killed beyond reecognition after the infamous carcrash that took his life on wednesdaymnornnng at 9 o clock.

Listen, grandiose naysayers and other friends, you just can't go on pretending he's still the same today as he was buried on high farm in Scotland 'all those years ago'. Get over it 'Fans of the Past Age' - the man is really no more, he is exit, finito, passed on to the merry pastures, he's friggin dead.

See why Heather Mills was so upset when she found out she married an imposter.

Cheers Bob, here's to ya!

No... NO... there's a new generation coming up and they're still buying into the Paul Is Dead stuff?! I mean, a good rock and roll story is worth repeating, but the Paul Is Dead stuff? Hah, yeah, a member of our band died, and we secretly replaced them and didn't want anyone to know! That's why we put hidden messages about it in our songs, because it will help us keep it secret! SCIENCE!

From: A fair and balanced reviewer
Subject: Bunch of ripoff artists

This album is a rip off Pink Floyd's DARK SIDE OF THE MOON. The beatles copied Pink Floyd and this is the reason why Pink Floyd are better. Simply a weak and disgusting effort. Best avoided.

OH CRAP, it's all part of the great Paul Is Dead conspiracy! The Beatles travelled forward in time, stole 'Dark Side' from Floyd, travelled back in time and recorded 'Sgt. Pepper'! Someone call the time cops! It's kinda amazing how venomous Floyd fans are towards The Beatles. It's a shame nobody's ever heard of Pink Floyd... right? Dang Beatles!

From: A Kid
Subject: The worst album ever, no beats.

Yo everyone. I listened to this CD and I was like "where's al the music thtat everyone was talking about?" I can't even hear anything good. It's like old music or something adn it doesn't sound like good rap or anything. I cant believe that people liked this hippy stuff. Go listen to some REAL music liek biggy smalls and 2pac Okay?

I quit.

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So tell me this isn't a load of crap.

My niece is a senior at Olympus High School, the same school I graduated from. Two or three weeks ago, she and her long time boyfriend broke up. It was right before Prom, and you know how teenagers get around prom time (especially teenager girls). So she figures, I'm going to go anyway. So she convinces my sister to go with her to the prom tonight. They buy expensive dresses, talk about how they're not going to let idiot teenage boys ruin their night...

Only to find that the Olympus High School PTA has ruled that two girls can't go to prom together. Just because.

OH PLEASE, Olympus. Let's not pretend that this is something it isn't. This isn't about 'preserving the sanctity of prom' or whatever bullshit you're going to come up with, this is a backhanded slight at A) every boy and girl who didn't get asked and B) the GLBT community.

Prom is, for a lot of kids, a defining moment of High School. It's a culmination of the crappy public education system and a rite of passage. To deny entrance to students, REGARDLESS of who they are, is stupid.

Olympus, I'm calling you out. That's bull.

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So I was headed home from work when some guy shot past me going 25 over, swerved in front of me and slammed on his brakes to stop at a red light. Here's what he looked like:

(I might have got the hair wrong.)

This caused me to stop and think for a moment, culminating in a wonderful scientific breakthrough! The following formula is to be used to determine if you are a good driver or not.

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Occasionally you'll see some animation that's just too sloppy. Maybe the creative team was on a deadline. Maybe somebody got lazy. Or maybe, just maybe, they realized what it looked like they were doing, and decided to go all out.

I'm not sure which of those to call this one, but I'm pretty sure it's intentional.

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So yesterday, on a whim, I bought a Blu-Ray player. I'd had a little money left over after paying my various bills this month, and I thought it might be nice to do something for myself. I hadn't really even set out to get a Blu-Ray player; I just saw one at Best Buy, price-matched it (hooray for internet phones) and found that it was a pretty good deal. I mean, it streams Netflix and Pandora wirelessly to my TV too... that's pretty cool.

So I decided to test it out on a movie I was familiar with; that way, I'd know if there was a change at all. Out of the choices there (since Blu-Ray is expensive at Best Buy, I bought one of their sale ones), I figured I knew 'Superman Returns' best.

Now the movie wasn't great, but it was fun, and if any movie would benefit from looking great, a fun one would.



Bottom line is, I don't regret it. At all. In the past I've drank some of the Hateraid for Blu-Ray... I've even dispensed some myself. But having spent time with it and now watched a movie on it, it's worth it. Everything's more vibrant and beautiful that it feels like a shame to go back to regular DVDs. Of course, I have a nice enough TV that I can get the full 1080p out of it, so it was worth it for me. But hey, it was a solid investment.

If you've got a new enough TV that's nice enough to handle it, I'd heartily recommend it. The players are getting cheap enough that it's no longer a bank breaking initial purchase, and the movie quality's awesome.

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So I'm sure some of you have seen this before. If you haven't, you're among the lucky ones. I saw this once again in front of one of my DVDs, and it just reminded me how stupid it actually is.

For those of you with even an ounce of respect for classic movies, please don't click this video. And if you do, remember to wash your hands immediately afterwards.



So, let's go over the premise of the ad. 'Casablanca', one of the most critically-acclaimed movies of all time, is cut up in order to make an advertisement. The advertisement is actually against movie piracy. But let's dig a little deeper.

'Casablanca' is about a group of rebels and freedom fighters standing up against a corrupt organization hellbent on oppressing the common man and enforcing outdated thoughts and beliefs. Sounds awfully familiar...

Look, I'm not encouraging media theft. I'm really not. But given some of the tactics of the MPAA, RIAA and other groups in regards to intellectual property and sticking it to, say, grandmas... it's not hard to draw comparisons. Especially considering that the MPAA and RIAA are against anything even resembling changes to their archaic rights management systems. I mean, if anything, 'Casablanca' glorified people who stand up to corrupt groups. It sent the message that resistance is a viable form of rebellion against things you don't agree with, and that in the end the heroes were all resistance fighters. Given the current movement to reform digital rights management... I don't know. There's a comparison somewhere there.

To use a movie like 'Casablanca', even ignoring the plot, as a tool to serve an agenda -- it's foolish. And dumb. It debases the movie itself, it panders to the viewer and it simplifies a very diverse issue into black and white (literally) terms.

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I'm a pretty big Amazon shopper. If I can get it online, I'm much more likely to buy than in a store. Prices are better, and it's just a matter of restraint and being able to wait a couple days for what you buy.

Whenever I buy something, though, I have a small ritual. I don't read any of the reviews. Well, that's not true. I never read any of the positive reviews. I sort by the one star ratings and read the bad reviews. Why? Because sometimes they're hilarious. So I thought it might be fun to share with you some one star reviews from some of my favorite things.

Today's entry: one star reviews of one of my favorite books, The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Published in 1925, it's been hailed as an American masterpiece. The movie's been adapted into opera, and the infamous Jay Gatsby has been portrayed in film by such legends as Robert Redford.

What's to hate? Not much. But let's read some bile. Do note, spoilers are shown in white, so you'll have to highlight to read them.


My favorite review is first.

From: DGS
Subject: El terrible,

This book was God awful. I felt so disappointed when i read that gatsby was murdered. I felt as if the world collapsed on me as i read this catastrophic event. Gatsby is the miz an and daisy is a sliz to the iz ut. Scott Fitzgerald i wish u were alive so i could kill u. Love DGS!!!

I think the best thing about this is, I've never heard of anyone wishing an author was alive so they could kill them again. What did old Fitzy do to this poor guy? Who knows.

From: Suzanne C
Subject: Not so "Great"

Hey everyone! Lookit me! I'm a rich little snot and I can throw a big party in my mansion! What's "great" about this Gabsty fellow exactly? Write something about people who work for a living, not this junk.

I didn't like this one little bit, sorry. Try again. Only one star for your book, sir!

Ruh roh, Scoob. Looks like someone didn't make it all the way through the book. Shocking twist: Gatsby does work for a living and got rich by working hard (and somewhat illegally). If anything, this book is FOR people who work for a living, as it's a tale of class struggle between workers and old money.

From: kahess
Subject: I struggled to get through - then I failed the test.

Okay. There's a program at my high school in the English department, called "Accelerated Reader". You are assigned a book off of a list, and you are to read it, then take a test about it on the computer. The program is quite helpful (I think), but when I was assigned The Great Gatsby, I was struggling to get through it! There were maybe one or two parts (for me) that made me want to keep reading. The rest I had to jam down my throat. It is well-written, therefore I give it at least one star. But it was so "boring", that I failed my test on the computer! I've aced every other one that I've taken, so I know it can't just be me. No one I know has passed that test either, because it was "just too boring"for them, also.

HEY I FAILED MY READING TEST ON GREAT GATSBY IT MUST BE FITZGERALD'S FAULT FOR WRITING A BORING BOOK GRR!

From: ubu35
Subject: I know the secret behind this book

The secret is: the author was a drunk. Had I not been forced to read this book in school, I would never have finished it, and I've read a lot of dull books. I've read a lot of classics, but this is probably the only one I think is not worth the effort. Frankly, I'm still wondering why it's a classic; there's nothing to it. So Gatsby's not what he seems, so he gets shot, so Nick's a homosexual, so what? Is there anything worthy in this book? Anything at all?

Take THAT, Fitzgerald, you alcoholic! Screw you and your metaphors, you lousy louse!

Classic literature. Baww, who needs it!

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No really. Turns out the mystery destination nobody knew about is Eden, Utah, where I'm spending this weekend. And we're a little east of it. You know you're at a bad place in your life when you notice things and immediately think 'Hey, that'll make a good blog title'.

The weekend should prove to be exciting or not. It's nice to sorta get away, even if I still can't chew or anything.

Regardless, I woke up this morning and snapped some pictures of the area around the condo we're staying at for this thing.




On an unrelated note, when I woke up, my little brother woke up as well. He's sitting on the couch next to me watching a cartoon called Bakugan Battle Brawlers. It's a marketing phenom in the same vein that Pokémon was back when I was a kid. There's the cartoon, clothing lines, the inevitable plastic figurines/trading card game...

Here's the thing. I know you can't really jump into a series and know what's going on, but let me tell you what I've seen in the last five minutes.

• All of the main character's Bakugan just died
• There's a guy with only one eye and a masquerade mask, and he's being a dick
• Everybody's being sad somewhere else
  
• Everyone's in space now?
• Wait, only some minor characters are in space
• Now one of those dead Bakugan from the beginning isn't dead, but he is floating through time and space
• The main character just traveled through time and space to go fight in a desert or something

I have no idea what's going on. That's literally six minutes of that show. As a side note, I figured out the Bakugan naming protocol:

__________________ _+_____________________ __=_______________
Elemental/Action Word___Sci-Fi Sounding Non-Word ___Heavy Handed Name

As an example:

Thunder + spunt = Thunderspunt

Thunderspunt, the thunder Bakugan who is probably a dragon or something, would fit in perfectly with the primary cast.

This show's awful.

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So Tom Hanks was on 'Happy Days'? And picked a fight with the Fonz? Why did I never hear about this before?

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As I mentioned a couple days ago, I went in Wednesday to have my root canal completed.

The dentist, who told me to call him Tom, look less than an hour and had the root canal done and with a permanent filling. Now I need to make another appointment with Mike to have a crown put on my tooth (yippie skippy).

My problem is, it's now a day and some change later, and my tooth still hurts. I can't chew on it. I can't bite down at all on it. And it tingles all the time. My tongue's still tingly too as a result of all of the Novocaine I had pumped into my face. It's pretty fantastic I guess.

At any rate, I feel like I'm going insane. The constant dull throb in my head was better before the root canal. If this keeps up this way, I'm going to lose my mind.

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Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this esteemed blog has officially found a domain name.

How do you access the blog from now on?

Easy! With one (hopefully memorable) web address:

www.holycrapitsaustin.com

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Let's talk Vídeo Brinquedo, Brazil's numero uno provider of off-brand entertainment.

Who are those marvelous men and women from Brazil dedicated to providing you with quality entertainment? Well, nobody's willing to say, mainly because if they did they'd be sued for an amazing amount of money. So, as their Wikipedia page says, one day they just started distributing movies for children.

What kind of movies do they specialize in? Well, everyone likes Pixar movies, right? This is sorta like this, but not at all. Vídeo Brinquedo takes Pixar movies, strips them of their sanity, and pumps them out as cheaply and quickly as possible. Sometimes they get adventurous and do Dreamworks movies too!

It goes without saying, but the fruits of their labors are absolutely terrifying. If I were a child and I saw some of these movies (especially the Kung Fu Panda knock-off), I'd have nightmares for weeks. They're just that weird.

But my words mean nothing when I've got videos. Not just any videos, however... trailers for their movies! The trailer has a long standing tradition of showing only the most awesome parts of a movie to entice you to see it, so these trailers are obviously going to be pretty great, right?

... right?

Below is the trailer for their most successful film, 'Ratatoing'. Following that are links to more trailers; I just can't embed them because Video Brinquedo doesn't want them to be embedded in blogs. Wonder why.



'The Little Panda Fighter' Trailer

'The Little Cars' Trailer

'Gladiformers 2' Trailer

'Little Bee' Trailer

'Tiny Robots' Trailer

Gripping, gripping stuff. So the next time you complain about having to sit through a kids movie with your girlfriend, family or illegitimate love child, remember... you could have it much worse.

BONUS TREAT: How'd you like to watch 'The Little Panda Fighter' in its entirety?

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This news article was way too good to pass up, despite how ultra-icky it actually is.

Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother," he says. "She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds."

Helloooooooo, mommy issues. To prove I'm not making it up, here's the link where it's being first picked up.

Read the article, and then let's recap.

1. Rampant drug use while he was younger
2. His mom walked around the house naked when he had friends over
3. His mom had 'goddess parties' where she and her friends sat around naked waving incense at each other
4. LaBeouf's sexiest woman is his mom, who he'd both marry, and "be with"

For the record, here's a picture of his stone-cold fox mom:


Incidentally, I think she's also another famous person's mother...

Look, LaBeouf. Paying a compliment to your mom about how free-spirited she is? That's a nice gesture. Mentioning she hung out with you and your friends naked? Yeah, a little weird. Stating, in public, that you'd like to do gross things with your mom? You said it best, kid...

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I don't encourage illegal behavior, but come on, this is pretty neat.

So a guy hacks the state of Virginia's medical records and has taken them all hostage for $10m. In the words of our real life supervillain himself:

-M.

ATTENTION VIRGINIA

I have your ****! In *my* possession, right now, are 8,257,378 patient records and a total of 35,548,087 prescriptions. Also, I made an encrypted backup and deleted the original. Unfortunately for Virginia, their backups seem to have gone missing, too. Uhoh

For $10 million, I will gladly send along the password. You have 7 days to decide. If by the end of 7 days, you decide not to pony up, I'll go ahead and put this baby out on the market and accept the highest bid. Now I don't know what all this **** is worth or who would pay for it, but I'm bettin' someone will. Hell, if I can't move the prescription data at the very least I can find a buyer for the personal data (name,age,address,social security #, driver's license #).

Now I hear tell the ****ing Bunch of Idiots ain't fond of payin out, but I suggest that policy be turned right the **** around. When you boys get your act together, drop me a line at hackingforprofit@yahoo.com and we can discuss the details such as account number, etc.

Until then, have a wonderful day, I know I will

Huh. Well, a few things here.

One, this guy's an idiot. Yes, it takes skill to hack the government's registry, but in terms of information security, the government's not too high on the list of secure institutions. But to confound it, this guy's using Yahoo for his terrorist threats? Come on, man, too obvious. Freemail's not that hard to track down.

Speaking of hard to track down, point number two: $10m? Where are you going to hide that lump stash? Are you going to ask for it in cash wired to another country, or transferred to your Paypal? Like some three-letter government agency isn't going to be able to track every red cent you might get?

Point the third, this guy needs to buy a costume and make a TV announcement, post haste. Come on, the mysterious Mr. M. If you're going to go evil, go all the way!

I for one welcome the inevitable awesome developments to this story.

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Now that the Novocaine's worn off and my face doesn't quite feel like a punching bag, I realize that for all my complaining about how bad my jaw hurts, I actually have a wicked good dentist. So I'm going to write a blog about how awesome my dentist is.

This is Mike.

(Technically more of an artist's concept, really)

If you were to look up dentists that are ridiculously good at what they do, you'd probably find a picture of Mike. Mike is the Muhammad Ali of dentistry. The Michael Flatley of drilling teeth. The-- OK, maybe I'm laying it on a little thick. But Mike's a really great dentist.

Consider the following list that I didn't embellish at all except for the third one:

• I've never seen Mike be grumpy or unhappy (even counting that time that I told him flossing was for sissy girls).


• He listens to pop standards, and played a lot of Frank Sinatra while I was having a root canal, which was nice.
  


• He's gotta be a pretty good dad, because at least one of his kids works in his office and they don't seem unhappy about it at all.
  


• Mike once saved a man from quicksand using only four feet of mint dental floss and a trial size packet of Crest Whitening Expressions.
  


• One time I was like 16 and had a cavity filled. I was an angsty whiny teenager, and Mike still gave me a googly-eyed tiger keychain. It's still on my car keys.


• He gave me a new toothbrush, which is a really good toothbrush, actually, and they let me pick out the color (like you had to question what the best color for anything is).

Look, I've never liked going to the dentist. I suspect nobody really likes going and having power tools used inside your face. But Mike more than makes up for it. He's speedy, incredibly good, and an all-around swell guy. He's such a nice guy that he even apologizes for making you stretch your mouth open wide.

So if you're in the Holladay area (or, alternately, live in Utah, because a good dentist is worth a drive), you should totally go see Mike. This already reads like a paid advertisement, so I'm not going to give you his phone number, but I will link you to his blog, where you can get more information on having him perform dental magic on you.

Yeah, that's right. My dentist is pretty awesome. He's 'with' it, even if he's probably unsure what 'it' is. But he did start to sing 'Let's Get It Started' when he drilled my tooth, so he obviously has a working knowledge of hip-hop.

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So, as many of you may know, I had to have a root canal done today.

Now, I want to make something incredibly clear in advance. My dentist is awesome. I go to the best dentist in the world, regardless of how crappy my root canal was today. Dr. Mike can't control my teeth, and he did the best that he could. If you're in the market for a dentist, go to Mike. He's amazing. And tell him that I sent you, mainly because then I'd feel all special next time I had my teeth cleaned.

But, nobody reads this blog for my unending optimism. Long story short, the procedure didn't go quite as hot as I had hoped, mainly because of a combination of these several things:

1. I have a small mouth. This means that it's really hard for a dentist to get up inside my mouth without giving it a painful stretch. My root canal was on my second to last tooth on my left side, so he had to really crank my mouth open.

2. My gums were especially sensitive due to how bad the tooth was. So I got a RIDICULOUS amount of Novocaine shot into my face. With the amount I was given, if it didn't work, they were going to have to numb the muscle that provides feeling to my entire face.

3. The canals in my teeth are apparently tiny. Like, small child tiny. So tiny that my dentist was unable to do them. He put a temporary filling in the tooth and made me an appointment on Wednesday for a specialist (!) to finish up.

4. He said it wouldn't hurt afterward because they got all the nerves out. Mike's a killer dentist, and I'm sure he knows more about my teeth than I do. But in this case, he might have been wrong. I feel like I got punched in the jaw. Actually, scratch that. I've been punched in the jaw. This feels maybe a little worse. It's probably from all the shaking and tooth probing, but while the tooth felt fine, my jaw was a little sore. Not Mike's fault, of course, but it still hurt. Wicked bad.

At any rate, I can't leave the house, because I have a ridiculous lisp and I'm in a respectable amount of pain. Wednesday couldn't come sooner. My face hurts (almost as much as it hurts you to look at), and I just want the whole thing to be over with.

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I came across a news story today that absolutely sickens me. Regardless of your political beliefs, if this story doesn't make you foam at the mouth, you're a monster.

CNN has a thorough write-up, but instead, let me walk you through the situation first.

Off to the right there is one Luis Ramirez, a twenty-five year old illegal immigrant with a fiancée, two kids and who was in the process of naturalizing to the United States. Walking in Shenandoah, PA, he was accosted by six teenagers from the local high school who took issue with the girl Ramirez was walking with. They called him racial names, told him to 'go ****ing home' and threatened his life.

The six then attacked him, beating him so brutally they cracked through his skull allowing his brains to leak out and stomped him so hard that the crucifix he wore on his chest was bruised into his torso.

Well, Luis survived, barely, but died two days later. The boys were taken to court for aggravated assault, reckless endangerment and ethnic intimidation. And now they've been let off the hook, sending an incredibly dangerous message:

It's OK to kill people if their skin color seems wrong to you.

That's it. That's all there was. There was no provocation, just the initial racism which escalated into a fatal beating, all based off of Ramirez's race. Nothing else.

Below are two of the pieces of human garbage, Brandon Piekarsky (on the left) and Derrick Donchak (on the right).

(Brandon Piekarsky and Derrick Donchak, two soulless monsters and morons.)

Piekarsky was charged with the most serious crime, murder, for delivering the fatal kick to Ramirez's head. He was acquitted by an all-white jury of all charges except one, which was dropped to simple assault. Donchak, on the right, was acquitted of everything except for supplying minors with alcohol. Only one of the teenagers will serve any jail time.

As distressing as this is, the aftermath is equally distressing. The courtroom was flooded with supporters of the teenagers who took to shouting, "I was right from the start," and, "I'm glad the jury listened". The teenagers deny any wrong-doing.

Not only are these six teenagers all cowards (takes six of you to kill a guy, eh boys), but they're racists. They started the racial slurs. They started the fight. And they ended Luis Ramirez's life.

And yet somehow, SOMEHOW, this is being spun by certain news organizations as Ramirez's fault. He provoked it. He was the aggressor. Yeah, I'm sure he was smart enough to pick a fight with six high school football players and expect to come out ahead.

What was determined is that the girl that Ramirez was with in the park had supposedly provoked the teenagers. They got in an argument, Ramirez ended it by walking away. They followed, and assaulted him. Yeah, sounds like he was really guilty.

This country's going to hell. No matter what the government does, what policies are made or changed and what we tell ourselves. The government isn't rotten, it's the people beneath the government. When there are towns in American where it's still OK to murder someone because of their race, we have a problem. A very serious problem. And to top it off, instead of being outraged, we're worried about swine flu, which is 95% bogus on its own.

If this story has made you mad at all, please, get involved. Get angry. Write a letter. Donate to worthy social activist groups.

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So now that I'm official down and a little out due to the stuff I'm taking for my awful toothache (hooray for root canals on Monday), I've been able to watch more television than I normally do. Normally my television viewing habits are limited to one hour a week, on Monday nights.

Regardless, I've been watching a lot of television yesterday and today, and I keep seeing one commercial over and over. It's an older commercial, but it's still got a lot of life to it. It's an advertisement for Dos Equis, the beer, and I stop to watch it every time it comes on. I don't actually drink (like, at all), but I do like this commercial. Let's curse me by putting it here on the page so I feel compelled to watch it again.



The official name of the marketing campaign is 'The Most Interesting Man In The World', and it's a very, very good campaign. It could be the faux-latin guitar, or the pain medication, but there's something fundamental about the campaign that I really like.

The initial video itself is :32 seconds long, both in its television and digital form. Of those :32 seconds, the actual Dos Equis beer is in it for roughly :10 seconds (although their logo is in it for a full :12). Marketing, at its heart, isn't really about the products being sold. There are certainly campaigns that don't really present a lifestyle, but even they feature people looking pleased with the product, which in turn is indirectly promoting a sort of lifestyle. What's interesting about this campaign is that while it certainly advertises a product, it seems to almost advertise an abstract lifestyle more. As I said earlier, the actual product is in a very small portion of the commercial. Even then, it's not even highly recommended by the main character (the titular 'most interesting man in the world'). His glowing endorsement?

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis."

He doesn't really drink beer. And when he does, he displays a preference, but he doesn't care about what he gets in the end. What's so darn interesting is how seemingly dismissive he is of the actual product. Most ad campaigns paint a product as either hypervisible (with actors interacting with the product in a very direct way) or invisible (with montages of people doing various things without the product). This might be the first commercial I've ever seen in which the product is visible, but nobody cares about it. The main character could have just as easily said he prefers Pabst, or Hams, or Milwaukee's Best, but he didn't. He doesn't care enough to choose. I mean, he'd prefer one way or another, but in the end, whatever.

Apathetic marketing is a relatively new thing. Matter of fact, I'll go so far as to say this is the first apathetic marketing campaign in mass media. The message is simple: he's very interesting, obviously very cool, and he doesn't particularly care about what he drinks. He just does. So if you have to drink, might as well do whatever he's doing. You're too apathetic to decide, so just go with the flow.

Some of the ads take this to the next logical step by not even mentioning the product outside of the logo branding at the end.



Their internet ads go even further by not even mentioning the product at all.



The internet ad leads me to the second point about this campaign: it's like the Chuck Norris meme, but better. By the time the Chuck Norris thing hit mainstream culture, it was already tired and played out from overuse. The premise was always the same: Chuck Norris is immortal, invincible and beyond virtually everything. The premise was also incredibly boring. After the first few rounds of 'Chuck Norris is so...' jokes, there was nothing left to do. Chuck Norris had done and could do anything. Why bother.

That's why this campaign channels this energy, but does it better. The guy isn't Chuck Norris. He's not immortal, or invincible. He's simply really, really interesting. There's a more human approach to it than the Chuck Norris thing, and it makes the campaign more endearing. It's a step below putting the character of James Bond in your commercials, but just as effective. He's cool, and you could be cool too. There's not much more to it than that.

I might be reading into this old ad campaign way too much via a pain enduced haze, but I'm pretty sure I like it. I really like this ad campaign. I totally want to hang out with the interesting guy who is apathetic towards his choice of alcohol. It'd probably be fun. At the least, this campaign's cleverly written. It made me like it, and I'm a hard sell for ad campaigns.

Note: In the time it took me to type this up, the commercial's come on TV twice more. Media saturation ahoy. At any rate, good work, people at Euro RSCG/New York.

This blog brought to you by Dos Equis. Stay reading, my blog friends.
(I was just kidding about the corporate sponsorship. I will accept anonymous checks made out to Cash, however.)

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So I'm a pretty predictable guy. Once I get into a routine, I like it, and changing it is darn near unthinkable. My one master routine, however, is my wake-up routine.

My wake-up routine is the corner stone of my day. Except on the weekends, I do the same things in the same order:

Wake up
Get out of bed
Drag a comb across m- no, wait
Shower
Drag a comb across my head
Eat breakfast while checking my e-mail
Put in my contacts
Brush my teeth
Get dressed
Pack my lunch
Go to work

That's it. That's my morning routine. It's not fancy, but it works for me.

Well, this morning something disrupted my routine. There was nothing for breakfast.

I mean, there are plenty of afternoon foods, like microwaveable pizzas and leftovers and stuff like that. But nothing for breakfast. All that was left was 1/2 a cup of Golden Grahams and 1/2 a cup of Frosted Flakes.

Wait, Golden Grahams AND Frosted Flakes? Could I eat them together? DARE I eat them together?

Well, I'm nothing if not daring. Pouring them together and drowning them in milk, I sat down for the first fateful bite. WHAT HATH SCIENCE WROUGHT, my brain screamed. SHUT UP, my mouth replied.

Turns out that the two create a taste team-up explosion that's actually pretty good. The light 'golden' taste of the Golden Grahams combines with the sweet corn-y taste of Frosted Flakes and makes something equally tasty.

Morning routine saved!

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