I arrive to work this morning, and what is on my desk? My 'Royal Tenenbaums' poster! So awesome!

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No Austin what are you doing are you crazy?! Yes! Crazy for guitars!

I have a shiny new Stratocaster arriving tomorrow, so you know what that means -- I should probably clear out some space from my basement! What's going up? A pretty good conditioned Epiphone Les Paul Junior...

And a super awesome SX Bass!

When I say the SX is in ridiculously good shape, I mean it. I played it twice before I stumbled into my Viola bass, so it's almost like new. That's crazy! It definitely needs a set-up, but other than that, it's a pretty awesome introductory bass for a new learner!

Friends of my blog, use the phrase 'Led Zeppelin is overrated' to receive $10 off the purchase of either of these instruments! What a consummate salesman I am!

So totally buy these! Or don't, and I'll keep them in my collection (which is bordering on a psychological disorder at this point).

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 Move over, Star Wars Kid. There's a new Kid in town, and he knows the DRAGON TWISTAAA!

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As seen on the internet... we definitely need less of that scary Socialism, tell you what.

"This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all it’s valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log on to the internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right. I write about how I support our troops serving in the United States Military (possibly one of the most socialist programs in the world) and go to bed grumbling about how the government has ruined my life."

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Dear everybody,

Hey! How's it been! Your friend Austin here. Why, it seems like it's been months since we last talked! We got together, did some crazy campaigning, and we got Barack elected. That was pretty cool! After election day, we sorta dusted our hands off, smiled a little bit, and everybody went back to doing whatever we used to do.

I know you're pretty busy, so I'm going to give you a brief rundown about myself. A few years ago, I was a total staunch Republican. I mean, I'm white, relatively middle-class... I'm totally the right demographic. Then my dad died, and my mom became a single parent, and then stuff started to get a little crazy. My sister has a disability, and we're legal guardians to my adopted little brother... you know, stuff that makes life complicated! Needless to say, down to a single parent, our lives got harder. About the same time, I went off to college, a Sean Hannity book in my bag. I then spent a few months studying, volunteering at an elementary school, and doing some work with the International Rescue Committee.

Talk about game-changers. Working with the IRC, and directly with refugees who are about as 'off the boat' as they come, really opened my eyes. Things started to get tougher at home (try getting reasonable insurance for a teenager with a disability), and I started to realize, maybe the current system isn't working so well. I'm not talking about handouts, or wanting one; I'm talking about wanting an opportunity to be like everybody else again. I had that once, and then my family changed socioeconomic statuses. I just want to be able to be like I used to be, and I realized, I want everyone else to be able to have what I used to have. I want everyone else to be able to go to a doctor without fear that the treatment, or the visit itself, might be too expensive. I want everybody to be able to go to a school where the teacher cares, and works with the students. I want everybody to have enough to eat, and somewhere nice to stay.

It was then that I realized the Republican party wasn't really in line with my agenda. I mean, sure, you'd be hard pressed to find someone in favor of being uneducated, hungry and homeless. What I, and the people around me, really needed was a group and a party that really believed we could make everybody comfortable, if not happy. So I looked into the Democratic party, and as it turns out, our goals were in line with each other. I became a socially progressive Democrat.

That said, John Kerry was a good candidate in 2004, but he didn't win. We lost the discourse, we let everyone else define Senator Kerry, and we spent another four years under President Bush. It wasn't great.

Then, in 2008, there was a revelation -- Barack Obama. Smart, educated and well-spoken, President Obama had a perfect message, and seemed completely dedicated to progressing the social values that were important to myself and those around me. But then, as I said, we won the election. You would have thought this was the best thing that could have happened, but really, it doesn't seem like anything changed. We're still getting pushed around in the senate and congress, despite that we've got our man in the White House and we had previously held a super majority in the senate.

My message today, friends, is this:

Sack up.

No, seriously.

If there's one thing we've been lacking recently, it's guts. We have a super majority, and the will of the majority of the American people, and instead we produce a watered-down, ineffective health care bill that got diddled away to almost nothing. Why is this? I mean, sure, we don't want to do the same thing that President Bush did, where we just do whatever we want and then tell everyone else to deal with it. But we need to stick to our guns.

Stop letting the other party, and radical fringe groups, set the agenda. I hesitate to use the term 'mandate', but come on, the American people chose President Obama for a reason -- because we wanted change. We're not getting change. We're getting a whole lot of dithering, and conceding, and 'bipartisanship'. Stop with the bipartisanship! One thing we've seen, OVER AND OVER, is that nobody else is interested in bipartisanship! They say they want input, but the other side's input basically amounts to 'No, I don't think we'll be doing that'. And we say OK! This is stupid!

It's not OK to drop an idea, or an agenda, because the other political party says they don't want it. Of course they don't want it, they're the other side! But guess what? THE PEOPLE VOTED FOR US! Yes, it's good to try and represent everybody, but in a representative democracy, we make decisions based on what the majority of people want, NOT the minority. So quit pandering! If the other side's solution is 'Let's just water it down, and then veto it', then screw 'em! America got to be an awesome country because we were progressive when other countries were regressive. Let's get back to that!

If we keep kicking, and pouting, and conceding to everybody's whim, we're not going to get anywhere.

The majority of Americans voted for change. We want change. Give us change.

Consider this a stern talking to, folks. If you keep wasting the faith and capital we gave you, we're going to stop giving it to you. We'll go elsewhere. We'll vote for other candidates.

You have our trust. Quit blowing it.

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I made a guide based on every party I've been to in the last five years.

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I want to talk to you for a second about your memes. You know what a meme is; even if you don't, you're probably familiar with countless memes you couldn't trace the origin of. A meme is like an inside joke for a group of friends, but in this case, that group of friends is the whole internet. You could probably see the problems inherent in this.

Don't get me wrong, some memes can be funny when properly executed. Some have even ingrained themselves into the cultural psyche in a real, long-term way. But there are a couple which have become so obnoxious, so overplayed, that they're not even funny anymore.

See, a good meme has some element of creativity. One of the longest going memes, 'Yo dawg I heard', has an element of surprise, where you can vary the direction the joke goes. Sure, it's getting tired, but occasionally you can be surprised. Not with these guys. They're tired, they're repetitive, and they're not even interesting or funny. Not even chuckle-worthy. I know I risk a veritable Streisand effect here, but we're doing it anyway. The following two memes, which I have seen on internet sites as recently as today, are dead:

DEAD MEME #1: 'FAIL'

Words cannot nearly express how played out the concept of 'fail' is. Originally applied to humorous images and videos on the internet, 'Fail' has now become an all-encompassing lazy comment designed to make you look oh so witty. Let's look at some examples.

"That magazine article you wrote? Literary fail."

"You dropped your sandwick? OMG EPIC SANDWICH FAIL."

When stating the obvious just won't do, throw a fail on the end. There's absolutely nothing creative about it, and it's past the point of played out. It's the equivalent of watching somebody fall down, and then pointing and shouting 'THAT MAN FELL DOWN!'

You're that guy. Guy that explains the joke. Don't be that guy, nobody likes that guy.

DEAD MEME #2: '_____  _____ is _____'

Oh, this meme is awful too. In the annals of uncreative trolls, this is easily the most uncreative troll imaginable.

"Fat cat is fat."

"Gay kid is gay!"

The basic premise is this. You identify what something is, and then you throw an 'is', and you repeat the first word. This can apply to any situation! But you sound so much like a goon, it's not even funny. I know there are some places on the internet where that's a virtue, but really, it's just the most uncreative and unfunny way to say something possible. Remember the days of clever insults? Let's go back to those. Banal observations or so last year.

Trust me, five years from now, these memes will seem awkward. What's that? Don't believe me?

"LEEEEEEROY JENKINS!"

How painful was that? Do you remember when 'Leeroy Jenkins' was a funny thing to say? Yeah, I do too. Now imagine somebody said it seriously today. They'd look like a total idiot, would they not? 'Leeroy Jenkins' was funny, but it was an awful meme. It wasn't really funny then, and it's horribly unfunny now.

Please, for the love of all things holy. Come up with something original. Troll with some flavor. But quit using these two old standards.

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Stumbling across stuff on the internet is wonderful.

Recently I stumbled on a website for a guy I know who is a pretty awesome artist. His name is Brian, and he's the father of a friend of mine.

He does these really great stylistic pieces of people and objects. They're actually pretty cool. In addition to his more abstract, stylistic pieces, he also does these great pieces that are sorta pop art Lichtenstein-y, but with a harder edge. They're pretty awesome, and I'm kinda a big fan.

Anyway, you should check his stuff out. He does commissions, and some of his stuff is for sale. Maybe one day I'll ask him to do a portrait of me or something, which I'll hang over my mantle... that would be awesome.

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Happy MLK Jr. Day, everybody. Now is a good time to take a minute to think about how far we've come as a country over the last 100 years, and how far we still have to go. I'm not going to take this opportunity to preach or lecture at you (I do enough of that as is), but I did think it might be interesting to share some of MLK's other quotes that don't get mentioned as often.

It's interesting to see #7 and #8 on this list and realize they were said decades ago, but are still just as relevant today.

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Look, I love that song as much as the next guy, but...

"Radio DJ Steve Penk has been condemned by mental health charities for playing a song entitled Jump as police were trying to talk down a suicidal woman from a motorway bridge."

Talk about cold blooded. I don't know if he thought this was a hilarious idea or what, but come on, that's just terrible.

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This is probably one of the most unintentionally nightmarish things I've ever seen.

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This kid knows what it's like on the inside.

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Remember that line from 'Jurassic Park', where that crazy old guy said, "Nature finds a way"?

Well it totally did! Let me introduce you to the slugplant!

His real name is the green sea slug. But the real awesome part is what he can do, and what he's made up of. See, turns out old slugplant is about half animal, half plant. Somewhere along the way, the green sea slug hijacked some plant DNA and was like, Yeah, I think I'm totally going to use this. Now the little guy can do photosynthesis! We are so close to Bulbasaurs that it's not even funny, people!

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Before we begin, two points.

One, I work from home. When my last move became necessary, I was offered, by my fantastic workplace, the option of staying with the company and working remotely from home. You probably figured this out, since that's what the title of this blog is about. Or maybe you even knew it because we're like BFFs or something. Good for you!

Two, my tenure as a work-at-home is ending. I'll be moving back to Salt Lake, my home town, which means I'll be back in the office proper with all the other employees.

That said, let's continue.

So this morning, about 10 AM, I hear a knock on the door. I tear myself away from my computer for a moment and walk to the door in a bathrobe. It's the pest control guy!

"Hey," the pest control guy says. "How's work going?" We've had a conversation before where I had to explain that my frumpy appearance at 1 PM is not because I'm lazy or unemployed, but because I work from home.

"Work's good," I say.

"I'd bet. You probably just hang out all day and watch TV."

Let's stop the tape. This is the reason why I'm writing this blog today. Every time I talk to someone and tell them that I work from home, I'm met with one of three responses.

1. You must just watch TV all day, huh? Pretty sweet life!
2. So how do you keep yourself busy during the day?
3. Ooh, I worked from home for a while too. It gets rough, huh?

You'd think the last one was the most insincere, but you'd be wrong. Any time someone says they've worked from home, and it sucks, I know they're telling the truth. This isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed working from home; what it does mean is that there are a lot of misconceptions about what I do on a daily basis. Let's talk about them.

FACT: I sit in my bedroom all day.

This is, actually, accurate. I have a very large bedroom, so my home office is in one half of the room and the rest of my stuff is in the other. This has lead to several problems, which we'll talk about later.

MISCONCEPTION: I get to watch TV all day.

This one, however, is laughably untrue. I have a TV sitting about three feet from me. About six feet away is my collection of 200+ DVDs. Behind me is my collection of vinyl, and about a foot to my left is a collection of books, comics and a guitar. I don't use any of these things between 9 AM and 5 PM.

I know what you're thinking: I'm a liar. I sit at home, in my super awesome room, surrounded by awesome things, and I don't use any of them? Nope! This is where one of the unexpected elements of working at home comes in... I actually have work to do during the day. I'm consistently busy. On an average work day, I get an e-mail with a new project, or a design changes, or a paperwork request about every 10-15 minutes or so. That may not seem like a lot, but when you factor in the amount of work that goes into each e-mail, it really is.

For the first week of working at home, I thought I was going to live 'the life'. I'd fire off a couple e-mails, watch some Dr. Phil, record my first CD. This died at 9 AM, day one, when I realized my steady stream of work was going to keep coming, regardless if I was in an office or in my underwear. I don't goof around during the day. I'd like to lie and say something about how I abuse the system, and how I've had a great time doing it, but it's not really true. I work a full, busy job; I just don't have to drive to do it.

FACT: It's incredibly lonely.

My coworkers figured this out after the first couple weeks. When you first decide to work from home, you think, This will be awesome! I can do whatever I want, and I don't need to worry about coworkers bugging me, or interruptions, or whatever!

Turns out, no, this sucks. Humans are, by nature, social animals. We like to talk about pointless things, and stare at each other, and laugh and smile. When you work from home, here is the number of people you communicate with face to face: zero. I sit, in silence, and sometimes chat to my coworkers between e-mails to make sure I don't go insane from stress or isolation. Sometimes I mix it up and make phone calls via Skype to the home office just so I don't go insane. Since I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind to some extent. Occasionally I make superfluous phone calls to tell a coworker a joke or something because come on, I'm dying out here. It's lonely. It won't be for the first day, or the first week, but you'll get there, I promise.

MISCONCEPTION: Working from home simplifies everything.

This is both true, and not true. It's true in that yeah, I don't have to drive to work in the morning. That's pretty cool. It's not true in that aspects of my job are much tricker over long distances. Let's say I want to send a fax. I get to call up the office, find someone available, e-mail them the sheet, have them print it off, have them fax it for me, and then wait for them to tell me the fax went through. It sucks. It also adds a few minutes to certain small tasks which you can learn to allot more time for. But I don't have to drive, so I guess that's nice?

FACT: There are some awesome benefits.

There are indeed some awesome benefits. I get to sign for my own packages during the day, and I routinely work the first half of my day in a poofy red robe. That's pretty great. However...

MISCONCEPTION: I'm more comfortable and at-ease because I'm at home.
THIS is the killer. Let me tell you about some of the unexpected consequences of working from home. Number one, between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM, I panic whenever I have to go to the bathroom. I have a direct phone line to the main office installed, so when the phone rings there, it rings on my desk as well. Slowly you'll start to realize that since you're not within eyesight, people can't tell what you're doing at home; if you step away from your desk, they don't know how long you've been gone, or if you're even working at all.

In the interest of full disclosure, I pee a lot during the day. I try and drink about eight cups of water a day in order to stay healthy, which means that I make semi-frequent bathroom breaks once every couple hours. One afternoon, I received a phone call during my bathroom break. No big deal, I got back to my desk within a minute or so, and returned the call. A couple hours later, I stand up to go to the bathroom, and the phone rings again. I miss another phone call. All of a sudden a little flag goes up in my head -- they don't think you're working! Since you don't have direct contact with anyone constantly, they can't tell when you're there or aren't, so you end up with this panicked sense of 'BUT I'M HERE CONSTANTLY, I PROMISE'. My compromise initially was to call and tell one of my co-workers every time I had to go to the bathroom, but that comes off as exceptionally creepy. So now I just run to the bathroom and sprint back. Comfortable I'm not.

Another element is, I work all day in the place where I relax. When I have a stressful day, I finish up at 5 PM, turn off my computer, and walk about six feet to play a guitar. All of my stress, and my work notes, and my little pile of papers, is still staring at me. Even if I decide to get away, and spend the rest of the night somewhere else, I come back to fall asleep about 15 feet from my work computer. It means I'm always connected with work, which means I'm always carrying some degree of work stress. Them's the breaks!

FACT: I work way more than I would normally.

This is a personal problem more than anything else. I'm a dedicated worker, and I hate leaving things undone. If I have design work that still needs to be taken care of after 5 PM, you can bet I'll be back on my computer after 10 PM to finish it up. Waiting for an urgent project approval in the morning? I'm turned on by 8 AM. I keep my desk phone off until office hours (because there are other people still waking up around that time), but I'm already hard at work as soon as I wake up.

MISCONCEPTION: I sleep in late, wake up when I absolutely have to, and then I go to work.

Ties in with the last one. I'm not a particularly good sleeper to begin with, so when morning rolls around and I know I have a lot of stuff to do, I get started on it rather than loaf around. It's a personal problem, but no, I don't sleep for 10 hours and roll out of bed at the last minute. I technically need to be at my computer at 9 AM to work, but I'm awake by 7:30 AM every morning, either eating breakfast or answering early e-mails. I am the best/worst employee ever.

FACT: I'd do this again.

MISCONCEPTION: I'd do this again.

This is the most universal thing that comes up when you discuss working at home with people who have done it. Would I do it again? Yeah, totally, but probably not. See, the benefits are there. They really are. There's something really nice about being able to wear slippers at the office. But the negatives are there too, like isolation and loneliness. Ask anybody who has ever worked at home, and they'll tell you something similar. When Kathy had a couple days off, she spent them bumming around the house doing some of her paperwork.

"How do you do this? I'd go crazy," she said one day. "Yeah, it's nice, but don't you get a little stir-crazy?"

Yes. Yes I do.

Oh, and I totally wrote this while eating lunch at my desk and working. Workaholic much?

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So, it turns out that Hollywood reads my blog.

Rebooting Spider-Man with a new cast and a better writer/director? Yes please! Early pick? Invent a time machine and go get young Topher Grace and Bryce Dallas Howard. And put Peter back in school!

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Recently, two disparate thoughts have been hanging around in my head.

First, I remembered the 'Bruce Wayne' pitch. For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, the concept for 'Bruce Wayne' was that we follow a young Bruce Wayne before he becomes Batman. Starting at age 17, we see him travel the world, picking up the skills which will eventually help him become the mentally unstable Caped Crusader we all know and love.

Thinking about the concept, I'm intrigued by the possibility of interspersing clips of the 'current' age 17 Bruce Wayne with clips of Bruce as a child. Comic books place Bruce as between ages 6 and 10 when his parents are murdered; how interesting would it be to see a morbid, seven year old Bruce interact with other kids his own age? Would he be as dark, brooding and focused? Or is he just messed up? It would have been pretty interesting if done correctly.

Part of the problem is, I'm not sure how long the show would last. Unless someone could craft a very engaging version of young Bruce, while still playing with the Batman mythology, the show would likely end up a licensed version of 'Relic Hunter' (sorry for invoking 'Relic Hunter', all).

The other thing that's been floating around my head is the now canceled 'SPIDER-M4N' movie. Also known as 'Spider-Man 4', it would have taken place immediately after the relatively disappointing 'Spider-Man 3'. The buzz says that the reason is because nobody can decide on a villain for the movie. After SM3, and the studio shoe-horned appearance of Venom, I can't blame them. Rumors have pinned John Malcovich as The Vulture and Rachel McAdams as Black Cat (which would have been amazing, by the way, as a white-haired McAdams as Felicia would have caused insane nerd infatuation). Apparently director Sam Raimi isn't into that, though, so the movie's on hold. Oh well; if it was going to be anything like SM3, it's probably for the best.

Well.

Tonight, sitting on my couch, the two ideas sort of came together, and I realized: why is there not a Spider-Man TV show?

Hear me out on this. Spider-Man is, at it's best, a 'slice of life' as Peter Parker. Yes, he's got superpowers, and yeah, he has an amazing rogues gallery (one of the best in comics). But he also has a very rich personal life, and enough strong, developed supporting characters to make this a possibility.

Technology and CGI is advancing at such a rate that shows which would have once been impossible are now very much within the realm of possibility. I mean, if we can have a reboot of 'Battlestar Galactica' that looks really good, we can probably figure something out for Spider-Man. Heck, if The CW can afford to make a Superman show, why not?

What I would do is, focus on a teenage Peter Parker. Introduce him as a senior in High School, struggling to get good grades, make a curfew, and also foil a bank robbery perpetrated by a guy with a foggy fishbowl on his head. Something where Spider-Man is an important element, but it isn't THE element.

I'm hesitant to use the old 'It's _____ meets ______', and I'm even more hesitant to invoke 'The OC', but I'd say the show would do well as a 'The OC meets Smallville'. Focus on Peter's life, his relationship with his classmates, and his non-existent relationship with Mary Jane. Watch as his friend Harry's dad gets a little creepy, and starts acting strange. How does it affect their friendship, especially if one of them finds out about Norman/the Goblin? What happens when Peter graduates, and wants to go to college? When did he first start freelancing for The Daily Bugle? What 'Spider-Man 1' did over the course of a single movie, we could explore as a television show. There were some very interesting parts in the first movie, like Peter showing up late for dinner because he was off as Spider-Man, or his silent confrontations with Norman Osborne outside of costume. Let's explore that more.

Of course, villains are definitely present. It's the Spider-Man universe, of course, but Spider-Man as viewed through Peter's eyes. He can't be under the mask all the time, so what's it like to be Spider-Man out of costume? Now THAT would be a TV show. Let's ignore further sequels; find someone who could play a good Peter Parker, and let's get rolling on a TV show. Sell it to ABC and stick it in the slot 'Lost' will leave behind soon.

It's a formula for millions, so let's get on it! Sony already relinquished the rights to a TV version of Spider-Man, so with a little convincing, it might not be too hard to get Marvel on board.

Just let me help write the show when you get it going.

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So there's a lost episode of 'Dial M For Monkey'. I remember it being aired on TV, but then never again after the first run. Well, I found it online again, so now I'm going to stick it here so you can watch it. Apparently it was banned for a gay Silver Surfer, a drunk Incredible Hulk, and some sexy hot dog eating.

Let's watch!

Dial M For Monkey - Barbequor

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I don't want to say too much and oversell it, but yeah, this is basically right. This struck a particular chord with me, mainly because I had almost this exact conversation earlier today. Didn't get resolved either.

Tell you what, I'll never understand the argument of, 'Well, do this for free, and then next time I'll pay you maybe?'

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Occasionally an idea comes along that is so great, I instantly wish I had come up with it.

This is one of those ideas.

The premise is simple: what if William Shakespeare had written 'The Big Lebowski'?

It may have ended up something like this. As an aborted English major (six credits from the degree grr argh), I find this endlessly entertaining. Read it; you owe it to yourself.

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I wish this was my kid. I wish this was my kid so bad.

Mom decides to wake up her sleeping baby to some metal. Will the baby be upset?

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Finally, the remix you've been waiting for. THIS is the real new American jam, folks!

Language warning, for those who don't listen to much of that new-fangled 'rap' music.

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Over the weekend, my shaggy hair finally got to be too much. After too many days of sweeping hair out of my face getting out of the shower, I finally had a trim back to my short and spiky classic.

Also, when my hair was cut, I was inexplicably a blonde again.

Strange! Turns out I hadn't dyed my hair in a while, so once the longer strands were cut away, the black disappeared and only left blondeish-brown. It was kind of weird changing hair color instantly. I'm trying to decide if I should go back to dying it black, or if I should leave it. I'm currently leaning towards the re-dye. Any strong thoughts one way or another?

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One of the most treasured gifts is introducing the younger generation to culture that was before their time. To this extent, I've decided to start torturing young Andre, age nine, with some old person culture. First up is an introduction to the world of James Bond and spy movies. I almost went with the traditional 'Goldfinger', but that may be TOO good for a first look. I needed something goofy. Something 'Diamonds Are Forever'-y.

'Diamonds Are Forever' is the seventh James Bond movie, made in 1971 and featuring Sean Connery. The movie sees Bond infiltrating a smuggling ring, which in turn exposes his old enemy Blofeld in a plot to make a giant laser satellite which will hold the world hostage. The movie also features two gay assassins, named Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, as well as a Moon Rover chase across the Las Vegas desert. What more could you want?

Below, in chronological order, are Andre's observations upon viewing the movie for the first time.

Upon seeing a cat's eye dissolve into the opening credits: What the heck?

Still viewing the credits: Hey look, there's that cat! Is this movie about that cat, and that cat doing stuff?

Listening to the title theme: Forever, evuh, evuh, evuh. *remixing noise*

Still viewing the credits: I thought you said this wasn't about that cat. Why is there a cat if there isn't a cat in it?

Having explained that it's the villains cat: Does the cat do stuff? Like crawl through stuff like ladies legs and stuff? Like it just did?

Upon the introduction of the plot: There's a lot of talking in this movie. I'm bored. Can we just watch the cool parts?


So we did. Lesson learned: kids don't like complex plots about diamond smuggling and international intrigue. We'll have to try again another time with a different movie.

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