So I changed up the blog header. I think the new one might be great, or maybe awful? I can't tell. Give me your opinion.

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I see a cottage industry springing up around adapting inappropriate mediums to children's plays.

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Many of you know that I'm a bit of a Pokémon fan. I have been since I was a kid, and I can think of few things as long-lasting and enduring as my love of enslaving small animals with superpowers and forcing them to fight each other until exhaustion for my personal glory. Pokémon is awesome.

Now, the mark of a great Pokémon trainer is his collection of gym badges, which let others know that he's really awesome. But what's a kid to do, when they don't make replicas of the badges from games?!

Easy. Wait 10 years, and then pay some guy on Etsy to make them for you.

I am now the proud owner of my own set of Kanto gym badges. They look fantastic in person, and they're so nerdy it physically hurts. These badges might be my favorite thing in the world today. It's a shame they're basically girl repellent.

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I'm glad that even after leaving office, George W. has a way of coming back to haunt us. This time he's in Haiti doing ambassadorial work with President Clinton. Watch a few seconds into the view as George shakes hands with a Haitian, and then proceeds to wipe his hand off on Clinton's shirt.

George W.? Officially grossed out by 'colored folks'. Ugh.

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Remember when all the Republicans were in favor of the current healthcare reform, back before they all spontaneously decided they were against it? Glad to see Mitt talking out of both sides of his mouth again, by the way; I love a guy who can passionately argue for one thing, and then it's opposite, and not see how that's weird.

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As a marketer, I understand better than anyone else the value of direct mail marketing. Sure, some people could sign up for expensive dating sites. Other people, though... other people could run marketing lead reports for women, aged 18-26, around my zip code who are currently single, never married. Those people would then create a postcard for themselves, and send it to those women in a non-creepy way. Note: I am not actually doing this.

(Click for big)

(Click for big)

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So the United States passed healthcare reform. Not even really good reform, but it is reform, and is at least a step in the right direction. 25 million more Americans will have insurance, that's awesome! And you won't be able to be turned down for preexisting conditions, which is also awesome!

Sure, the bill is in pretty awful shape. It's pretty similar to a bill making rounds in the early 2000's written by the health care industry, if that gives you any hints. It does indicate that we want to make progress in a more socially progressive and responsible direction, though!

So how are the nutbags lunatic fringers Republicans taking the news? Very poorly. It's the apocalypse, people! Dogs and cats living together! Why, no civilized country in the modern world has ever had a healthcare system better than ours! Graaah!

Tell you what, it's a good thing we didn't pass a single-payer system, or I'm afraid these people would have died (and then been nursed back to health by our affordable medical system).

The question becomes, how will you and your family survive in this Mad Max-ian new America? Cannibals have already taken to the streets, and I'm pretty sure I saw Jesus downtown instructing people to hop into his van because we're getting out of here. What to do! I've compiled a handy list for you on how to survive.

1. KNOW THE LINGO
When you're eating the flesh off of the rotten husk that used to be your neighbor, how else are you going to identify the good, honest, God-fearing Fox News crowd? You need to know your lingo! That way, when the President's multiracial stormtroopers kick in the front window of the Smallville malt shop, you'll know who to shoot to kill (Pro Tip: Anyone who has a sorta foreign sounding name).

The process is simple: pick a word from each of the below columns and string it into a barely coherent sentence! Bonus points if you write it on a sign, draw a crude drawing of a racial stereotype, and take your sign to Washington.

2. WEAR THE RIGHT STUFF
You're not going to want anyone thinking you're one of those pinko Commie race traitor Democrats, so it's best to respect the American flag by wearing it on every item of clothing you can. Underwear? American flag. Tight leather vest holding back your stomach fat? American flag. Whatever you do, though, don't dress in surgical green or white. Somebody might mistake you for a Doctor coming to kill Grandpa Harold, or Scruffy the dog, and fire on sight.

3. IGNORE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
This is an important one. You can't run a successful guerrilla warfare operation against the newly insured if you're constantly feeling bad about stuff. Your best bet is to operate on your most basic, low instincts, and then demand an apology from the person you've wronged. Since them darn Liberals are so apologetic, you'll have plenty of time for a clean headshot while they're trying to explain their positions on things.

4. GO TO CANADA FOR HEALTHCARE
But only if you're a leading Tea Party spokesperson who has spoken out against a healthcare system like Canada's in the past. Besides, their system is so reasonable, they probably won't turn you down for your emergency visit! Suckers!

5. HAVE A GAY SEX ROMP (OPTIONAL)
I don't really have anything to say about this one, other than that it seems to be the hot Republican trend right now. Forget about Twitter, it's all about having a gay affair while defending 'traditional values'. See: Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ed Schrock, Ted Haggard, Bob Allen, Roy Ashburn, etc.

6. PROCLAIM THAT NOBODY ELSE LOVES AMERICA LIKE YOU DO
Because really, who wants to see America take care of her poor, tired huddled masses? America's about monster trucks, and beer and stuff! Forget the poor, unless I'm poor, then I'd like government assistance. But rest assured, as soon as I'm back on my feet, I'm going to be really angry about poor people again!

7. TELL EVERYBODY THAT THE APOCALYPSE HAS STARTED
Revelations says something about a black President and universal healthcare, right?

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Remember when the House and Senate had some degree of respectability? Neither do I. But at least we didn't used to shout insults at each other during speeches!



Remember when Republicans were in charge, and everyone had to sit down and be quiet? And you could get arrested for protesting?

Now the Dems are in charge, and it seems like the best response from Republicans is to shout angry things when they feel mad (much like children). Worked well for Joe Wilson and 'You Lie!', right?

Ugh. At least we passed an awful, shambling version of healthcare, or something!

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So I had a chance encounter at the grocery store a few minutes ago. Not a 'Hey, look, a Pikachu' chance encounter, but one of the High School variety.

Usually I hate running into people I went to High School with. It's nothing against them, and it's certainly not because I don't like them; I really like a whole bunch of people I went to school with. The problem is, it's always that brief, awkward catch-up before everybody goes their separate ways. It's a socially awkward situation, and I'm not very good at situations where I can't think of anything to say. But I digress.

So I was at the Fresh Value Mart on a mission for evaporated milk, which would go into a delicious carrot cake. Fresh out of the shower, my hair was all messy awful, and I had just pulled on my Sunnydale tee-shirt for the trip. The instant I walked through the door, I ran into Jamie.

Jamie was somebody I knew in High School. Not really know in a 'Hey, let's go to a party way', but in that way where you both say hello to each other in the hall, and say you're friends, but don't really do anything after that. You know, High School Friends.

She recognized me, and introduced herself, even though I was pretty sure I already knew who she was. Whew, crisis averted. We talked for a minute; she was still the same, except for a few life changes.

First, it's probably good to preface this with a brief explanation. I'm pretty sure Jamie was a 'cool kid' in school. I'm a terrible judge at these things, so don't trust my intuition, but she seemed that way. She had the whole teenage Daria thing going on, with the unimpressed cynicism and deadpan humor, that whole thing. But she was always really cool.

Anyway, in the couple minutes we were there, she mentioned that she had hit a wall. It had been six years since school, and she had realized she wasn't really doing anything with her life. She has a kid, and is going to start college. Good for her. The cynicism was still there, but it was tempered. A little more level from having been in the world.

It made me realize, holy smokes, I'm approaching my mid twenties. I'm well aware that I'm not old, by any stretch of the imagination, but it did make me realize time is passing pretty quickly. High School didn't seem like that long ago, and even though I don't miss it, I realize that I'm burning through my reckless years (maybe I'm out of reckless years?) Other people I went to school with are married, and have mortgages and stuff. I'm literal poison to women, and I play bass poorly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm completely happy. Matter of fact, I'm so content being left to my own devices that it's almost ridiculous. But it did make me think what would have happened had my life gone in some other direction. Would I be married? With a kid? Doing marketing, like I am, or somewhere else? Would my wife even let me own like a bajillion musical instruments?

Pretty heady stuff for a Sunday. I guess the point of this blog was to mention that really, I'm feeling good with where I am. No kids. No wife. No mortgage. No problem.

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Why is a better health care bill so important? Well, not just so insurance costs become reasonable for the common man, but because some people are just plain uninsurable without universal coverage. What do opponents of health care reform think of people who can't get insurance due to health issues, like people with Parkinsons? I know! Click here and skip to the :50 mark.

God bless America! Remember when the conservative talking point was that neighbors and communities would help take care of the sick? Yeeeeah...

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Let's celebrate in fail style!

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Sometimes we Americans worry that we're the only ones with offensively stupid children. This is simply not the case! It looks like there are dumb children all over. Awesome summary:

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The 'Michael Jackson Ghost' screamer claims another victim when six year old Zach comes face to face with... the supernatural!

Actually, they just filmed him getting scared. Which is also funny.

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Scott wants to start a Doctor Who themed emo band. He even has the perfect name for the band.

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Fun factoid: lemon, when combined with cream, curdles instantly!

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I think I saw this on Power Rangers once when I was a kid. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else...

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Hmm.

A good, hearty 'hmm' is the best I can really muster at this point. Starting with last year's 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies', there seems to be an ongoing trend for lazy writers to use a very specific formula to make money. Since we're all friends here, I'll dispense this formula now:

Yes, uncreative, stupid writers! I have your number! By simply following this formula, you've given yourself a license to print money. Hackneyed, awful money.

So in the interest of money, I've decided that RIGHT NOW, I'm making a list of future properties. Here, on this day, March 8th, 2010, I claim that the following ideas are mine, and mine alone, and that I will sue the unoriginal, hackneyed author who uses this formula to produce any ideas similar to this.

Austin's Hot Idea List:

• Ghandi vs. The Werewolf -- When a werewolf stalks the Indian planes, it's up to one man to stop the slaughter and peacefully resist the British.
• Tom Sawyer vs. Jason -- American icon versus American icon; when young Tom Sawyer goes away to sleep-over camp at Crystal Lake, he has no idea what horrors are in store for him and his fellow campers...
• Shakespeare and the Witches -- What if all the Shakespeare stories involving witches turned out to be REA-- oh wait, I think someone already did this.
• Agatha Christie vs. the Space Was-- dangit!
• Oscar Wilde and His New Best Friend Frankenstein -- The delightful witticist, and the slow, green monsters. It's a buddy comedy for the ages!
• Helen Keller and The Invisible Man -- It's a love affair for the ages!

Seriously, though, you're all hacks. Come up with something original. That said, I'd totally read those last two.

[UPDATE: I'm being told the Oscar Wilde/Frankenstein comedy, tentatively titled 'Frankenstein Gone Wilde', is far better than it deserves to be. Tyler said he might draw the cover for the book, in which case I'll write a sample chapter.]

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So I can't even get a regular date, and...

(CNN) -- Before he was a convicted serial killer, Rodney Alcala was a winning bachelor on "The Dating Game."

"Oh yeah, I remember it quite clearly," said Jed Mills, the game-show contestant who sat next to Alcala in 1978. "He was creepy. Definitely creepy."

Found guilty in February of murdering four women and a child, Alcala, 66, is acting as his own attorney in the penalty phase of the trial. He is hoping to persuade the jury in Santa Ana, California, to spare his life.

[CNN] Convicted Serial Killer Won On 'Dating Game'

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It's really no secret that over the last couple weeks, my update schedule has dropped to virtually nothing. I initially started out by writing up a comprehensive defense of why I was so dang lazy, and why it wasn't my fault, but then I realized it was a Monday, and I could just write a typical Monday Morning Round-Up about it. The following Monday Morning Round-Up is going to be completely boring, so please, don't get excited thinking I'm going to say something profound. I'm not.

Also, my stomach hurts, and I'm tired, so I'm not feeling creative. Ah, to be young.

• So life has been hectic the last couple weeks. I mean, everybody's life is hectic, but the last couple weeks have felt especially so for mine. I'm still nursing the same illness I've had for almost a month (I think it just keep rebreeding and coming back to me), and work has been some of the toughest two weeks I've ever worked at the office.
• Normally I'd update while I was eating lunch at work, or something. Nope. In conjunction with the above point, I've been eating at my desk while working. No rest for the wicked, especially the wicked who have credit card bills and stuff.
• I am often asked why I'm living at home. The answers are many, but it comes down to two easy ones: first, my family needs the assistance, and second, it means I have plenty of spending money on awesome stuff. My justification is this: there will never be another time in my life where I have enough disposable income to buy awesome stuff. If I were out on my own, I'd be paying much more than I am living here. This means I can do cool stuff while I still can. It's a win-win really!
• It also means my dream bass is a paycheck or so away. More on that some other time.
• There's really been a drought in good internet lately, yeah? I mean, I usually just post little snippets from the net, but it seems like we've been on a cold streak. I have a few links saved up just in case, but really, what's up, internet? Let's get back to the status quo -- stupid stuff I can share with family and friends.
• Had brunch with Spencer, Marque, Sam and Joey. It was really cool! Also, the French Toast was delicious and the bacon was delightfully crispy. We then went to Spencer and Marque's house, which is really cool.
• I turned on my cell phone for the first time since Saturday night, and it looks like I have 28 new text messages and three regular voice mails. Ugh.
• My phone is so broken. SO BROKEN. It turns itself off randomly, and displays weird things so you have to take the battery out... I really need to get a new one, but I hate cell phones, so I have no motivation?

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The Sandpit from Sam O'Hare on Vimeo.

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