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I've never seen a person so fired up about juice boxes and not having to recycle stuff.

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All right, pop quiz, hotshot. What's worse than regular acid?

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So like nine months ago I got an Alamo Draft House Tenenbaums poster. And now today, I have a frame for it! This will occupy a place of honor in my new bedroom once we move. I kind of want my room to look like a Tenenbaum-style room (lots of pictures and old knick-knacks) but I'm not really sure where to begin. All I know is, plenty of ornate frame.

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With some comprehensive video mapping and a little creativity, this ancient clock tower becomes even more fascinating. Check this out.

 The 600 Years from the macula on Vimeo.

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Did you see the Dungeons and Dragons movie that came out in, oh jeez, what, 2000? 

It's OK, nobody did. 

Well, not true -- I did. 

Did you know that there is a character in the film who exists solely to represent the viewer? Bet you didn't. He's the guy who stands behind the king for this entire scene. Keep your eyes exclusively on him and all secrets will be revealed.

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I love soda pop. Probably too much. But even I'll admit that this ad is effective. Probably too effective. Every time I drink a soda now, I think about this video, and immediately get a little grossed out. Stupid public service announcements.

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While we're on the subject of John Lennon, how about some Lennon mashed with Van Halen?

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During The Beatles' heyday, a 14 year old fan snuck into John Lennon's room with the intent of interviewing him. And interview him he did. Released for the first time after so many years is the brief interview, complete with awesome art.

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It's too late in the summer to declare this a summer jam, so I'm instead going to proclaim this a Fresh Fall Beat.

Ever since Kathy started working at Nutshell, I've basically had to be tellin' busters to stop lookin' at my mom. And now that service is available in song form!

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Yeah. YEAH. YEAH!

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There is no bad reason or time to use an A.D. picture.

Sixteen years ago, I injured my left arm for the first time. It was winter, and I was in Elementary School. We had been allowed to go outside and play in the snow at recess and, being the incredibly cautious kid I was, I was making sure my fellow classmates didn't run around or roughhouse or do anything else that would mean they tripped and got injured in the snow.

I was bent over a metal slide brushing snow off of it (remember, safety first) when a developmentally disabled kid barreled down the slide and kicked me in the collar bone. It wasn't intentional, of course, but he did bust my collar bone, and also sprain my wrist.

The aftermath of this incident is an entirely different story that has since turned into something of a family legend. I went to the office with several broken bones throughout my shoulder and was told to 'tough it out' because I was being 'a big baby'. So adorable blond seven year old Austin then cried in the hallway outside the office and started to walk home myself while the office lady screamed that I 'definitely WAS NOT EXCUSED' and that I should get back to class. Some other parent came and found me walking down the steps of the school, sobbing, a very obviously broken bone visible on my shoulder, and yelled at the office lady, who then called my mom mainly because, in her words, she just 'couldn't stand all the crying'. Sorry for inconveniencing you, crotchety old office lady.

The second time I injured my left arm, I was probably ten or so and fell off a stool playing darts at a bar and drinking a Shirley Temple. No part of that sentence was embellished even a little. My extended family has owned a bar for a couple decades, and we used to have Christmas parties there. I was playing darts with my grandpa, who stopped holding the stool for me so I could shoot, and I promptly plunged right off and landed on my left wrist, which I broke. In an eerie flashback to an earlier point in my life, he told me to 'quit being a pansy' and proceeded to make me stay at the party for another two hours with a broken wrist before he and my grandma dropped me off at home with my parents, whom my grandpa calmly advised to 'quit treating like a big baby'. One hospital visit later, I had a cast on my arm and my grandpa said 'well it didn't LOOK that bad'. As a funny side note, the attending physician at the hospital asked where and how I broke my arm. Turns out, answering 'at a bar playing darts' when you're ten is both precocious and grounds for a child protective services investigation.

The third, and perhaps gnarliest injury I've sustained, happened five years later. I was riding bicycles with Aaron Henry and Tyke Farmer when Aaron abruptly cut me off, causing my bike to come to a complete stop and throwing me over the handlebars. As I flew through the air, I tried to stop my fall with my hands; hands out, I landed flat on the concrete. Immediately I righted myself and stood up just in time to see both Aaron and Tyke scream at the top of their lungs and run off. Hey guys, I'm kinda hurt, what the--

I looked down to see the bone in my left arm sticking out of the skin and my hand dangling loosely beneath it. The bone had ruptured at the wrist point and was now sticking out in what would probably have been grounds for extensive therapy had I not been in shock. I walked the three blocks home not crying, but cradling my disfigured arm. When I got there, I realized I had left my house keys with the bicycle, so I calmly rang the doorbell and waited for my mom to answer the door, whereby I presented her with my absolutely horrifying looking arm.

You know, thinking about it, a lot of my injury stories revolve around 'nobody believing me that I'm hurt' and 'spending a lot of time in pain before I get medical attention'.

Anyway, this is all a ridiculously long lead-up to this: I'm pretty sure I sprained my wrist eating pizza.

This really hurt to do why did I do this I am so dumb.

I am not a graceful man. In another life I might have been a dancer or something, but not in this one. So while eating pizza with Sarah yesterday, I made some dramatic hand gesture with my left wrist, and proceeded to sprain it. Since I've had such good luck with my left wrist in the past, of course it immediately caused a shooting pain up my arm which hasn't gone away since. I've had it wrapped up tightly ever since.

Two items to be concerned about, first of which is that in order to make my wrist feel any better, I have to wrap the bandage so tight that it cuts off blood flow to my fingers. This sounds neat, but is really just aggravating. Second, every time I turn my wrist, it doesn't necessarily hurt, but it does make this loud pop as it relocates back into place. Gross.

What I'm saying is, maybe I broke something, but I just don't know. I've had some bad luck with my left arm and wrist, so it's not like it's an outside possibility. Maybe my left arm, tired of being broken so much, is just like 'Do whatever, we're not going to bother you'. Typing doesn't hurt so bad, but grabbing or lifting things does. Lame.

On the plus side, my bandaged hand makes me feel like Ryu from 'Street Fighter' or something. With a cool bandaged up hand, I want to pretend to punch things or do karate, but knowing my luck...

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I've always had issues with my alarm clock.

Not necessarily in getting it to work, although that has been an occasional concern. More like, I can't find something I enjoy waking up to. I'm not against waking up, I just enjoy waking up peacefully.

When I was a kid, my first alarm clock was the Nickelodeon Time Blaster. It was a childhood dream of an alarm clock, with all the obnoxious features a kid could hope to have. I found someone who has documented its alarm clock function... check this out:

That's the calming sound that woke me up for the first few years of my conscious existence. Charming, with it's pulsating neon green light, and increasingly obnoxious series of rocket blasts, bugle calls, and sproing-y noises. After that, I went alarm-less for a while. I relied on a knock on my door from my mom to get me out of bed. That was pretty decent, but she'd walk away immediately after knocking, so sometimes I'd miss the call. Or, worse, it was a hassle for her to have to wake me up, so after a while I'd feel bad and tell her she didn't have to do it for me anymore.

That leads me to my current alarm clock which I've had for going on eight or nine years now. It's this chunky Philips radio/alarm clock that plays a track from whatever CD you have in. When I can't find compelling music, I go with its default beep, which is best described as the sound of a floating depth charge waiting to sink a submarine.

That's not really doing it for me anymore either, which got me thinking -- why aren't there nicer ways to wake up?

Now hear me out, because this sounds weird to begin with. Why hasn't anyone come up with a CD that features several different voices telling you to wake up? I did a few searches for this, but I'm not sure it exists. Each track would be a different voice and a different message waking you up; you could vary it up, or find a single message that you like. Since it's a recording that has to be manually shut off, it would keep going until you do so, and you wouldn't have to inconvenience anybody. Further, it could even be a novelty thing if you're so inclined. I've outlined a few different track possibilities:

The Butler - Older gentleman, probably with some sort of accent. Very calming but insistent. Possible dialogue: "Excuse me, sir, but I believe your bath is ready should you wish to exit the bed."

The Obnoxious Roommate - Either gender, any accent. First accompanied by a loud knocking sound, and then the actual wake-up call. Possible dialogue: "Hey, uh, do you have to go to work today or something? I made coffee, but if you're gonna have any, you need to clean out the pot when you're done."

The Significant Other - Again, either gender, depending on how you roll. Big in the lonely singles market. A pleasant voice is a must. Possible dialogue: "Honey, it's time to get out of bed. Come on, you don't want to be late."

The Parent -Whichever parent you'd prefer wakes you up in the morning. In this hypothetical example, your father is played by Liam Neeson and your mother is played by Emma Thompson. Possible dialogue: "Hey sport, you still asleep in there? Do you want me to give you another couple minutes?"

The Loveless Marriage -Either gender. The person waking you up doesn't sound happy to be doing so. Possible dialogue: "Are you actually gonna sleep all day, or are you going to get off your lazy ass and support this family?

The Fuzz -A gruff man in his late 40's. Possible dialogue: "POLICE DEPARTMENT, GET DOWN ON THE GROUND."

I think there's totally some merit in the idea, even if just for pranking purposes. I suppose that if you have a microphone and a loved one, a couple of these are already possible... Hmm. Worth investigating. Leave a comment if I missed any good wake-up calls.

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